Alone

How can you be so alone, yet surrounded by all of your family? We did the family dinner thing tonight and then took the kids trick or treating. Why was there not alcohol? I am not much of a drinker, but if I were to become one, it would be now.

My family is well meaning. They are just the type who don't really talk about what is happening. They just neatly sweep it under the rug and pretend that it is not happening. Great for them. Shitty for me. It is exhausting to play that game. I do the holiday family things because that is what I am supposed to do.

Apparently, my shitty mood rubbed off on Monkey. He also seemed none too happy to be there. He would have nothing to do with costumes so he went out as himself in a football jersey. Oh well, he did finally have a good time once we got started.

We took the kids around the neighborhood. The neighbors would look at the twins (they were bananas, very cute) and then at Monkey. They looked confused trying to figure out why twins seem so prevalent. They would look at my niece and nephew and then at Monkey and that look would come over their faces. The look of recognition that he is the boy who lost his brother. They gush over the bananas and look at me with the look. I could scream. Instead, I just smile and tell Monkey to say thank you.

How did it all get to be so fucked up? How does my husband sleep at night knowing what he is doing? I miss him. I try to have fun for Monkey, but really I just want to cry. I just want my family back. At least the part that is possible to get back.