Gratitude

I am tired of being sad...I read what I have written and quite honestly, I am a downer...Yes, things do suck right now. No, I do not have a plan in which to make them better, but I can choose the attitude in which I approach my life. Several years ago, my mother gave me a gratitude journal. It was so simple, yet a tool in which to look back upon and truly see what matters. The directions were to write down 5 things each day for which you are grateful. I think in the face of heartbreak I have forgotten how blessed I am. I am grateful for so many things:

My family's unwavering support and love of myself and Monkey even when they do not understand my choices.

Good friends who stand shoulder to shoulder with me when there are no words.

This community I have found here that gets it. They get that after almost two years, I still hurt and miss Noah like I lost him yesterday.

I am grateful for a job where I can go for a few hours each day and no one really knows the details of my life. Very rarely, do I get the look. Most don't know. Maybe that is dishonest, but I just can't take anymore judgement in life.

Most of all, I am grateful for Monkey. He is my light. He is guiding me through this disaster that is my life. He loves me unconditionally. It is me he cuddles up with each night to read and snuggle. His giggle is contagious and he has a very mature sense of humor for a two year old. I am grateful to wake up (this morning) to his mischievous smile while standing with his PJ's unzipped to his diaper. The smile breaks and he says, "banana?". That is the reason to get up each morning and make it through another day. It is a reason to try (not always successfully) to be present each moment while I am with him. He is amazing.

So I am trying to be positive. At times, it feels hopeless, but there is truly so much to be grateful for. I am lucky. Look at what all I have.