6 x 6

From the ladies over at Glow in the Woods...


1 Do you feel as though a higher entity/supreme being/energy force has a presence in your life? What do you call it, and what makes you feel it exists?
Yes, though I am not sure what it is. I don't really have a name for it. I could feel it when my boys were together. They knew each other. Still today, Monkey seems to have a connection to his brother. I can't really explain it, but there is definitely something there.

2 Describe, in a word or two, the nature of your spiritual self before and then after the loss of your baby/babies.
Before: Unsure. After: More unsure.

3 Do you pray, even if you wouldn’t call it praying? To whom? What for?
At times, usually in the early hours of the morning while holding Monkey. I pray he lives. I pray that I am strong enough to be his mother and survive losing Noah. I also try to stop and just say thank you. I am thankful for my time with Noah and to have Monkey. I try to be grateful for what I do have.


4 Is there a particular line of scripture/teaching/sentiment that you find particularly helpful? Or is there one that’s commonly referred to but is unhelpful?
I haven't really found one that is helpful. There are many I can't stand. God has a plan, he is in a better place, the usual crap you get when you have a special needs baby that doesn't survive.

5 Did your faith offer rites, rituals or teachings that acknowledged your baby and your healing? If not (or if you didn't seek it out in an organized fashion), what rites, rituals or mantras have you adopted as your own?
We had a memorial service and buried Noah's ashes. This is a decision that I regret now. He was 3 months old, so the memorial service seemed the right thing to do. Out of shock and guilt to his twin, we had his ashes buried. We thought we needed a place for Monkey to visit. I wish there was somewhere beautiful we could have spread his ashes instead. Our church (which we visit very infrequently) provides very little comfort. It seems to only make me angrier right now. I hope this changes and I find my faith.

6 Some people say that in a foxhole (a desperate, life-threatening situation), there are no atheists. You’ve been in a foxhole. Discuss.

I am definitely still in the foxhole. In the year and a half since Noah died, I have struggled with my faith. It ranges to not believing to having to believe. I have to believe in God, because if I don't, there is no heaven. If that is the case, where is Noah? Is he simply gone? I wake up every day and choose to survive because one day, I will hold my son again. I have to believe that.