Fear

I am so tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of being sad and lonely. I want to change my life, but how do I do that when I don't know if my family will be intact any time soon. I keep telling myself that I need to take control of what I can change. Me. I think control may be what caused so many of my marital problems to start with.

I am a closet phobic. In college, I sat in a Chemistry test my freshman year and lost it. I seriously thought I would die. It took another semester for me to get brave enough to move back to college. In one night, 18 years of trying to be perfect and good enough turned into a struggle for the remainder of my life to suppress the panic. A panic attack feels like you are dying. I used to wish I would die, but ultimately that is what I was afraid of. Every fear I have is based off of my fear of dying. I am terrified to fly and hate driving on the highway. My fear of driving is more about having a panic attack while driving than the actual driving itself. I know my fears are not rational, but yet they still control my life. Since that fateful day, I have never felt good enough. I let go of my dreams and played it safe. That worked out well...

When Noah died, I didn't feel so afraid of dying. If I did, I would be with him. Lately though, I worry about Monkey growing up without his mother. I think of dying a lot. Some days I am torn about life in general. I don't want to die, but still I think about it. Maybe it is my lack of faith. My need to know if anyone will remember me. If I will truly be with Noah again. How do I stop being afraid of the inevitable? I want to live my life now. I want to be happy. I want Monkey to have a mother who embraces life. I just don't know how.

I started taking the Lexapro several weeks ago and stopped because I hated how it made me feel. I am not sure now that it wasn't just anxiety. I am that person who reads the slip with your prescription that outlines all of the terrible things it can cause. I really need to stop that . I made an appointment with the therapist I had seen a couple of times. Maybe someone else can sort through all of these thoughts in my head. Maybe I will try the Lexapro again.

It is time to take care of me. I just don't know how.