Will it ever be easy?

Why does parenting seem to be so easy for some? Their children are healthy and all alive. Their children meet their milestones when they should and they take for granted the good fortune that they have. I feel their eyes as they look at me. The mess I must appear to be. The overprotective, overbearing mother pushing to get what she needs for her child. I probably call the doctor's office too often. I worry too much about milestones. I can't stop it. I live with fear. Fear of losing another. Fear of losing Monkey. I also worry that I am not doing all I can to make his life easier. Maybe I am simply overcompensating for the loss he has had to endure at such an early age. Some would say that he doesn't know loss. That he only knows what his father and I have projected onto him. I disagree. He spent 9 months with him brother in the womb and 3 months of life. He knows that his partner is gone. He sees me searching for him. He knows.

So cut me some slack, if you have never known loss and fear. I am doing my best. Maybe I am overcompensating, but Monkey deserves the world. Did I mention that we are back with Early Intervention? This is Monkey's 2nd go round. The first was for torticollis and plagiocephaly. Yes, he did wear a helmet. Yes, we did get many strange looks and dumb comments, but that is for a different day. Now, we are back with EI for speech. Apparently, they feel he is delayed in his play skills, too. I didn't know this was a category. No he does not have autism. The is the next question I seem to get. I get the look. The look from parents like horns are growing out of your head because your child is not "normal". I hate those looks. I compare it to the head tilt you get when someone discovers you have a baby that died. They tilt their head and figure out whether to be nosey and dig for more info or how to get out of there as quick as possible. The EI coordinator said I should speak to new parents about advocating for their children. I found this funny. Couldn't you picture me telling them about having babies and how to fight for them? I think I could be birth control instead. Let's be honest, what has fighting got me? A dead baby and another I seem to not be able to pull it together for. I am trying. I find the whole EI experience exhausting. It is more to cram into our day. More frustration for Monkey. Can't it just be easy? Just for once?