Here we are again

Here I am rambling through another birthday. The Turtle and the Monkey turn two tomorrow. It doesn't seem right to say it that way. Is Noah growing into a little boy or is he still a baby in heaven? I am going to believe that he is a baby with his huge blue eyes and soft cheeks. I can't believe that two years ago I was pacing the floors terrified of my impending c-section in the morning. I wasn't scared of the surgery. I was scared for Noah. I would give anything to go back. I want to do it all again. I want that time back with him.

Noah and Monkey were born by scheduled c-section. They were big and Noah was breech. He refused to move. They were born 1 minute apart. Monkey arrived first crying to announce he had arrived. Noah came next with a whimper. The delivery room was silent after that. No one talked to me. I never even saw him before they took him away. I know that they had to resuscitate him. It is all such a blur now. I wish they hadn't given me all those drugs to make me so loopy and out of it. I can't remember it clearly now. I want to remember those first moments.

I am trying so hard to give Monkey a good day, but it so hard. I want to crawl in bed and just stay there and cry. Things with my husband are so bad and he is being patronizing about Noah. He treats me like he is so strong and I am being weak by being so sad. I sat down today and just cried. I'm not talking about a few tears. I am talking about throw yourself on the floor and bawl kind of crying. I am so sad, hurt, and angry. I am so mad at him for being so selfish. I am angry that he takes away from my grief. I told him that I didn't want to visit the cemetery with him. He takes what is sacred to me and minimizes it. I know he misses his son too, but it is just the way he acts. I am so disappointed in the person he has become. He is definitely not the man I married.

I will do my best to be happy for Monkey tomorrow. We will visit his "Bubba" and play in the park. We will have a good day if it kills me. He deserves that. I will save my tears for after he goes to bed. I will hold Noah's blanket and imagine his smell. I will pray for dreams of my boys.