Trust

How do you ever really trust someone who betrayed you in the biggest of ways? Does it happen over time? Do you just wake up one day and suddenly believe in this person again? Is it a choice? If I make that choice will these feelings of hurt and anger subside? Does learning to trust again go hand in hand with forgiveness? If so, how do I forgive when still feeling the above mentioned hurt and anger? What if secretly, I want that person to suffer just a fraction of the pain they have imposed on me? Does that make me a bad person? I just don't know how to do this. I don't know that they are truly sorry and that makes it even harder to forgive. How will I ever truly feel safe again? How will I ever have faith in that person? I just don't know what to do...

Dreams

After reading this post over at Glow, I had this dream. I was on my way to Noah's burial at the local cemetery. At first, I was leaning over a headstone. I was putting my name on it. This seems creepy, but in my dream it was like I was telling Noah that I was going to join him someday. That my place would always be beside him. Sadly, in my dream my husband and I still were fighting. That part was not so peaceful. As my dream progressed, I began walking through the paths of the cemetery. They were full of poppies. It was beautiful. The dream was sad, yet when I woke up, it felt very serene. Rarely, do I ever get a sense of peace about Noah. This was a welcome gift.

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Still no news about Monkey. The waiting sucks! I keep telling myself that if it were serious, I would have heard something by now. Am I totally naive to think this way? I am just trying not to make myself crazy. If something is wrong, it is just one more blow. I don't know how much more strength I have. Some days, I feel as if I have to scrape myself up off the floor in order to go to work and take care of Monkey. I shove it all to the back of my mind and try to forget about it for awhile. Monkey doesn't deserve anymore hardship. His little life has been hard enough. Please God, let my little boy be okay.

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My husband and I are struggling to find common ground. This is so hard. I am so angry and hurt by his actions. He tells me that he is really screwed up over Noah. I have sympathy, but then I am just pissed off. Does he think he is the only one with issues over losing Noah? I have issues with it and I just didn't give up on our life. He says he wants this to work, but I don't know if I really believe it. The only positive I see in the situation is that we are beginning to communicate better. I am afraid to walk away, but I know that I can't continue on this path either. He told me that he feels that he never felt that he could openly grieve for Noah. He felt that all the attention went to me. I don't know what to do with that resentment. He may be right in some aspects. I had the support of my doctors and friends. His friends just acted like it didn't even happen. His family was supportive though. It is just different for men and women. I think we resent the way each of us grieves. I know we must find a way to accept that our feelings are very different and our reactions are okay. I love the man I married. I am sure he is still there somewhere. It is so lonely without him. I miss my best friend.

More

Today was our first official EI visit. The visit was fun for Monkey as the Early Childhood Teacher brought lots of fun toys. Monkey had to work for each and every toy. She brought a peg board for Monkey to place plastic pegs in (fine motor skills). In order for him to get another peg, he had to attempt to say "more" or sign it. I am pretty sure he can say it, but he may have gotten his stubborn streak from his mother. He refused. She would move his hand to sign it and then give him the peg. She would then try again to get him to do it. The closest we got was "Mmmm". It's a start.

This evening, Monkey wanted a cookie. I broke it into pieces and showed him the sign for more. I asked him to say more, expecting him to ignore me or whine instead. Sure enough, he just said "more". Apparently, we weren't using the right motivational tools. Lose the pegs, bring out the cookies. I am going to mark this up as a victory. I will have many more. I just have to think like Monkey.

Hopefully, we will get Monkey's test results back in a couple of days. Usually, I have some type of gut instinct on these things, but I got nothing on this one. I am trying not to worry, but it seems only bad things happen to us. It is hard not to imagine the worst. Thank you for all of your good thoughts. I appreciate them more than you know.

Choices

I don't know what to do.

Do I wait, hoping it goes back to the way it was? Should I get the hell out of here and get on with my life? If I choose the latter, who will I become? What will I do? How will I explain my choices to Monkey? Can I live with these regrets? I am tired of choices. I don't want to choose anymore. Why can't it just be easy? Why can't things just fall into place without a fight?

I am tired.

I am tired of the struggle and the heartbreak.

Sucker Punches

While visiting my sister this weekend for my niece's first birthday, I noticed Monkey's leg was red and swollen. He had a bug bite, but I had not noticed the reaction to it. I decided to have it looked at for fear it was a spider bite. Being out of town, I didn't know who I could take him to and have my insurance pay for it so I called them. Have I mentioned that I hate insurance companies? I explain that I need a provider in the area for my son and she proceeds to ask me if it is for Monkey or Noah. What the fuck? Are you joking? Are you seriously telling me that a company of that size can't make a note or something? Got to love that. It's not the first time either. About a month after Noah died, they sent me letter of credible coverage so I could get him insurance elsewhere. Nice...The letter came on a bad day and I yelled at some poor girl and her supervisor until she cried. I am normally not that mean, but I said it was a bad day. Probably an automated letter, but really?

I don't know why I let things like that hit me so hard. I just wasn't expecting it I guess. I redeemed myself though. I did not yell at her. I didn't even tell her that he was dead. I just took a deep breath and let it go. In a sick way, it was nice to hear someone say his name. It acknowledged his life and that he was really here.

The wait begins..

I am so proud of Monkey. He was such a big boy today. There were some tears, but bubbles and mini M&M's saw him through. The chest x-ray, which I was most worried about wasn't so bad. He was able to stand while they did it instead of being put in a pigastat (a terrible contraption used to hold them still). The EKG was interesting. They put 10 leads on him. Monkey hates sticky stuff so he really didn't appreciate some strange women putting stickers all over him. The actual test itself was very quick, but all of the leads were scary for him. The tears quickly subsided and we checked out the fish in the waiting room before leaving. The hard part for Monkey is over, but it is just starting for me. It will be at least a week before we hear anything back. We live in a mid size town without a pediatric cardiologist so it gets sent away. A week. My imagination could go wild in a week and all of my wonderful research on the web will just fuel the fire. I am really trying to not look. I want to believe them that is it nothing and not worry. I did that once. It didn't work out very well. Please send us good thoughts, prayers, whatever works for you. I am running a little low on faith right now, so can I borrow some of yours? Does God or whoever is deciding our fate still listen even when we haven't been speaking lately? I'll say a prayer tonight that Noah is at peace and Monkey will be ok. Maybe it will be heard.

Please let it be nothing...

So the answer to my question of whether parenting gets easier was answered with a screaming NO today. I took Monkey for his two year check armed with questions about reflux, allergies, and ear tubes. All pretty common childhood things (ok, reflux at 2 may not be normal, but easily dealt with). We are talking and our pediatrician casually mentions a murmur when listening to Monkey's heart. The I hear the words "see a cardiologist when he comes to town in two weeks". What?? I am still back on murmur. I think I caught on just as the MAC truck hit me. No more. Please God (I am sorry for all of the terrible things I have said in the last two years), please no more of this. Not Monkey. Our Ped then tells me that he needs a EKG and chest x-ray tomorrow. What?? We came in for a well check, not a day of hell at the local hospital. Did I mention that Monkey has an irrational fear of all health care settings? All he knows is shots (Synagis) and terrible hospital stays for the flu and croup. He falls apart just driving into the parking garage of the hospital. This will not be good. To top it off, his Mama is getting ready to hyperventilate thinking about what could be wrong. The doctor said it could be nothing, but he wanted to check. He also said it could be from the PDA at birth. That confuses me. I thought that closed on its own and was gone. No one has mentioned any murmur to me since he was two weeks old. I know I was distracted with Noah, but I am pretty sure I would have picked up on a heart problem. I am scared! I don't know how to stay strong for him. I can't be sick with fear. I have to put on the happy Mama face so he is not afraid. What if something is wrong? Why do these things keep happening? Please make it all be ok. Dear God, please protect my baby. I am on my knees. Please.

Will it ever be easy?

Why does parenting seem to be so easy for some? Their children are healthy and all alive. Their children meet their milestones when they should and they take for granted the good fortune that they have. I feel their eyes as they look at me. The mess I must appear to be. The overprotective, overbearing mother pushing to get what she needs for her child. I probably call the doctor's office too often. I worry too much about milestones. I can't stop it. I live with fear. Fear of losing another. Fear of losing Monkey. I also worry that I am not doing all I can to make his life easier. Maybe I am simply overcompensating for the loss he has had to endure at such an early age. Some would say that he doesn't know loss. That he only knows what his father and I have projected onto him. I disagree. He spent 9 months with him brother in the womb and 3 months of life. He knows that his partner is gone. He sees me searching for him. He knows.

So cut me some slack, if you have never known loss and fear. I am doing my best. Maybe I am overcompensating, but Monkey deserves the world. Did I mention that we are back with Early Intervention? This is Monkey's 2nd go round. The first was for torticollis and plagiocephaly. Yes, he did wear a helmet. Yes, we did get many strange looks and dumb comments, but that is for a different day. Now, we are back with EI for speech. Apparently, they feel he is delayed in his play skills, too. I didn't know this was a category. No he does not have autism. The is the next question I seem to get. I get the look. The look from parents like horns are growing out of your head because your child is not "normal". I hate those looks. I compare it to the head tilt you get when someone discovers you have a baby that died. They tilt their head and figure out whether to be nosey and dig for more info or how to get out of there as quick as possible. The EI coordinator said I should speak to new parents about advocating for their children. I found this funny. Couldn't you picture me telling them about having babies and how to fight for them? I think I could be birth control instead. Let's be honest, what has fighting got me? A dead baby and another I seem to not be able to pull it together for. I am trying. I find the whole EI experience exhausting. It is more to cram into our day. More frustration for Monkey. Can't it just be easy? Just for once?

Love

Monkey and I visited Noah yesterday to say Happy Birthday.

We sent Noah a note to heaven...

I hope he felt our love...

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to my sweet boys! I can hardly believe that it was two years ago that I first held you in my arms. I have never felt so much love and fear at the same time. Nothing could have prepared me for the intense feelings I would have upon meeting you. You are both amazing miracles. I wanted you so much. It was surreal to finally meet you after months of waiting.

Monkey, you were short and chubby. You were perfectly happy just looking around and being held. You really didn’t cry much and seemed to sense immediately that you needed to be calm in the middle of our storm with Noah. Monkey, you provided us with hope and love, so that we could fight for your little brother. As I watch you grow from a baby into a little boy, my heart is full of your love. Your laughter is my light in the darkness that followed losing your brother. You are sweet, loving, and have the funniest sense of humor. I promise to always support you and protect you. I will love you no matter what. You are an amazing little boy and so many hold you in a special place in their hearts. You are a survivor. I would never expect you to live for two, but I know you keep your little brother’s memory in your heart. I am so sorry that you had to know sorrow so early in life. I know that Noah is with you, visiting you in your dreams. Your little brother loves you and is always watching over you.

Noah, my angel, you came into this world a fighter. You survived when the doctor’s didn’t expect you too. You were long and skinny and seemed to have the soul of a wise old man. Those big, blue eyes seemed to know the secret of life. Please know, that we tried to make the best choices we could. We wanted only the best for you. I pray that you never suffered or felt pain. I look at your pictures and feel such pride for you being my sweet boy. There is not a day that passes that I don’t think of you and miss you. Thank you for your little signs to let me know you are ok. I can feel your love in Monkey’s sweet laugh and I know you will look over and guide him on his way. As I watch him sleep and see him smile, I know you are giving him angel kisses. Noah, I will live my life to honor you. I will make sure you are not forgotten. You will never be forgotten by me. You will always be in heart. You are a part of me.



To both of my boys, I know the bond of being a twin will always stay with you. Though you are separate in this lifetime, one day you will be together again. Until then, you will be together in spirit. My best memories are of the first times you were able to sleep together. Noah, you would be so excited. You breath would quicken and you would be wide awake and alert. Monkey, you would calm and fall into a deep sleep as if to let us know that this is where you belong. I am grateful for both of my boys. I love you so very much and am so proud of you.

Happy Birthday!

I Love You,
Mommy