Really?

Her (acquaintance from high school): "Hi, How are you"?


Me: "Good". (I know a lie, but really what else can I say? People don't want to hear that you are shitty.)


Her: "Are you M still together"?


Me: "No".


Her (eyes bulging out of her head) : "Oh, I saw him and then saw some girl. It definitely was not you. ".

Me: "Sometimes people make bad choices".

Her: The head tilt and the look like there are horns growing out of my head.

Me: "Okay, I will see you around."

Really? She is like the 3rd person to ask me and then tell me they saw him out with her. I am really tired of the "look". I am more tired of trying to answer in a graceful way. Only profanity comes to mind and that is just not appropriate to answer with.

I have found a solution to this problem. I am going to make up a sign and wear it at all time or maybe I will just tattoo it on my forehead. It will read something like this:

Yes, I had twins. Yes, one is dead. Yes, that does suck. I am lucky to have my living son. No, he doesn't replace his brother. Yes, my marriage is over. Yes, he cheated on me with his skanky employee while I took care of our remaining sick child. Yes, that also sucks. Okay, see you soon.

Let's be honest, no one would stick around much longer in a conversation than that anyways. I may as well be a leper. You do know that dead babies and cheating husbands are contagious, right?

Snow Day

Monkey's don't like snow!

Snow day!

Crazy

Well, here I am feeling sorry for myself. I hate that. It is just so pathetic. I tell myself that I will survive this and be better for it in the end. Not sure I really believe that. I am tired of being strong and more tired of others telling me to be strong. This sucks.

Monday was our 2nd hearing so M could argue over two hours of visitation. It was almost funny it was so stupid for us to be there. He didn't get anymore time so I guess it was one small victory for me. I did finally get to see the counter claim to my divorce filing and he is asking for residential custody. I don't really see that happening, but the nerve of him to ask. He has been gone for almost a year and hasn't spent one night with Monkey since then and he wants him. Whatever. It is all a joke.

When I see him I am more angry than ever, but once I am away for awhile, my mind wonders back to my old life. It was by no means perfect, but it was what I wanted. I am sorry it all ended so terribly. I have found the worst part of this divorce is that I feel like I am losing my mind. I go from strong and ready to kick ass to sad and so very angry.

Did he leave because I was a terrible wife? I am sure I was at times. I honestly wasn't much of wife since the boys were born. I didn't have anything left for him. I just had the will to care for them and to grieve my lost son. Did he leave because I failed? I couldn't give him healthy children so maybe he decided I was defective and it was all more than he signed up for? Was it because I no longer look like I used to? 15 pounds of baby does have a negative effect on your body. I could lose 40 lbs and I would never look the same. Maybe I am just a disgusting reminder of his dead son. Maybe he never really loved me and I sadly believed in it all.

My worst suspicions have been confirmed. M is seeing someone. Not just someone. He is seeing and God knows whatever else with his receptionist. It makes me slightly sick just thinking about it. He took her skiing while I sat at he hospital getting Monkey's Synagis shots and driving an hour away for another doctor's appointment. There are his priorities. I am totally humiliated. I defended him and told myself he would never do such a thing. I was so stupid and blind. I so wanted to believe that he wasn't like that. I wanted to believe that he loved me. He was seeing her while he drug me to the last therapist. All of it while telling me he was coming home.

The worst part of it is the type of person she is. Let's just say she has lived a rough life. Drugs, alcohol, you name it, I am sure she has done it. She is the exact opposite of me. He always said I was to conservative, not fun enough. I know people make mistakes, but really what morals does she have since she didn't seem to have a problem being with a married man. I really think I may be sick. I can't stand the idea of him with her and yet I don't want him anymore. Doesn't make sense does it?

I am sure I am sharing more than I should. I am just so lost and frustrated. I really don't know how I got here. I am trying to not dwell on my old life, but nothing seems to quiet the fear that I will be alone forever. Who would want me? I am broken and surely, I would scare away anyone who dared come near me. I wonder how to be a good Mama to Monkey. He is the reason I wake up each day and keep moving. He is the reason I keep on living.

Monkey will spend the weekend with M. My heart is already breaking just thinking about it. What if he gets scared or worse what if he gets sick? What if he cries and wants his Mama? I have never spent a night away from him. I hate this more than any of it. I wish I didn't have to let him go. I know it is only one night, but what if M has Monkey with his new girlfriend? Now, I really am making myself crazy. It is just one night.

I just want to go to sleep and maybe in the morning I will wake up and this will all just be a bad dream. Maybe when I wake up my baby boys will both be alive and my loving husband will be next to me in bed. I know it is not going to happen, but I still miss my old dreams and life. I am just so tired of being sad and lonely. I just want this all to be over with.

Enough

I know I have been silent for awhile. I may be gone for awhile as I just don't seem to have enough time or energy to do all of this. The divorce is getting quite ugly and we head back to court next Monday to finally determine temporary orders as M and his attorney have decided to play stupid and dispute what was agreed to at the last hearing. Whatever. I can play that way. He just saw the last of the girl who had just a tinge of guilt over not compromising. Now, there is no bending or budging. I am not giving in.

Monkey is sick once again. It is truly more than I can bear at this point. Diagnosis: sinus infection. Big surprise. I really don't understand what is causing all of this. The poor baby has not slept in several nights due to very yucky cough. I can only hope that the antibiotic kicks in soon and he feels better. My pediatrician did agree to retest his antibody level and see if the pneumovax worked. I don't have a very good feeling about things. I am going to shove it out of my mind and call this illness a fluke. My plate is full and I am not sure I am up to this. If I must face it, I will, but if anyone is listening, please let Monkey be okay. He has had enough to deal with. He and his Mama just need some peace.

I am sorry for not keeping up and for my silence. I miss this space. It is truly one of the few places I feel understood. Thank you for that. I will try to update more often, but I am just so overwhelmed at the moment.

This is so damn hard

Monday was the divorce hearing. It was one of the most surreal things I have ever done. M sat a few rows in front of me while we witnessed several other couples end their marriages. I heard one such couple who have been fighting about custody for over 3 years. Just think only 16 more years for me. It was heart wrenching to look at the man I loved for all that time knowing that this is the end. Our attorney's worked out an agreement before we went before the judge. M will see Monkey two evenings a week and part of the weekend. He gets one overnight each month. It is more than I can stand, yet at times I wonder what it must feel like on his side. I can't imagine not kissing Monkey goodnight and seeing his smiling face each morning.

I guess though he and I are different people. My family is the world to me and I would do anything for them. He on the other had has chosen someone else. He has not exactly admitted it to me, but he has made it very clear that he is involved. What makes it worse is that she works for him. She has been in my house. She also has made some very bad choices in life and for risk of sounding judgemental the choices do not set well with someone who has buried a child. It is sick. I am so disgusted by the thought of them. It is so infuriating when I imagine M taking my sweet, innocent baby around her. The court orders state that he cannot have Monkey around anyone he dating. We will see if he follows it. In the end, I know the truth will come out and then I will take him back to court and he will have chosen a fling over his son.

I don't know what to do this with this anger. Every aspect of my life has changed. I have left my home, uprooting my child. We have switched daycare and I will begin my new job in a few weeks. I know I will survive this because I must protect Monkey. That is my only priority. I will provide him a life full of love and make up for the terrible choices his father has made. I WILL NOT allow my son to grow up thinking it is okay to abandon your family. I will teach him values and I must believe that he will one day understand. I love him so much and hurt so much for the hand he has been dealt. He is so young to know so much heartbreak.

I know I have been silent for awhile. I find that there is not enough time in the day to get caught up. I work, pack, and try to do my best with Monkey. I can't sleep and find myself struggling between feeling empowered, overwhelmed, and so very sad. How did this become my life? Was I not good enough?

I'm still here

It feels as if I have been away from this safe haven for much too long. It has been a week, yet enough has happened to fill up the year. Where do I start?

Monkey had entirely too many appointments this week. Tuesday was our visit with the immunologist. He received pnuemovax and then the doctor had the nerve to tell me that we would just wait and see how he did. Really? I'll cut him some slack because he doesn't know that is not the kind of parent I am. He told me if he gets sick again, we will test and them consider immuno globulin therapy whether it be shots or IVIG. I think I may have put my fingers in my ears and began singing in my rather off key voice quite loudly. (Ok, maybe that was just what I was imagining.) I can't think about that. I have too much else on my plate. I can't deal with the what ifs which takes me back to the testing after the shot. He doesn't want to subject him to anymore needles than necessary because the shot may take care of it. I figure I have had to do much worse to him than have his blood drawn so do the test. I may have call them back. I need a definitive answer if there is one to be had.

On Wed, Monkey saw the ENT and he thought he looked good. The surgery was a success and I can tell it has helped. His color is much better and the congestion is actually going away. The cultures revealed that the bacteria was rather common in his sinus' and felt that it should finally be under control. We'll see. I won't believe that until we go at least a month without an illness.

Today was synagis day. Translation being one really long sucky day. Nothing like schlepping a 30lb two year old through the hospital when he drops like dead weight at the door. He wouldn't budge. He knew exactly why we were there so he decided to make it as difficult as possible to get to the pediatric floor. Once we finally arrived, we waited over an hour for the pharmacy to send up that liquid gold (our insurance was billed over $10,000 for the last one). Then we waited another hour and a half so we could go home after those two giant shots. Good news is that is only one shot left for this season and then Monkey will be free of synagis forever.

M was served Friday with the divorce papers. He was rather unhappy as I suspected with the custody arrangement. I received the response from his attorney yesterday and lets just say he must have fallen and hit his head or he is on some kind of drug. He is asking for things that I am pretty sure I will never allow to happen. He wants more time after he tells me that he can't afford the child support. Really? And to top it off, he is on a ski trip. You can afford vacation, but not your child. Also, the fact that he had a fit about going to Monkey's appointment Tues, but could care less about the other two because he was going skiing. See how it works? This is my life. The hearing for temporary order is Monday so I can only hope that the judge will see it my way.

The good news of the week is that I got offered the job I interviewed for what seems like ages ago. We are still negotiating salary, but I will take it whether or not she comes back with more money. Didn't hurt to ask. It is close to Monkey's new daycare (which by the way is awesome). I am going to take this as my sign that I can do this on my own. I am doing this. So much is changing so fast, but I have faith it is going to work out. I know there is a long road ahead for me in dealing with all that has happened, but I will cross that road later after I have things settled for Monkey. He is what matters. I am doing all of this for him.

No more, please

Today was bad.



I found new daycare. This is good, but bad in the sense we start the transitioning again. I took Monkey to play at the new one this afternoon and of course M had to go. Fuck me. I am so freaking tired of his crap.



In the amazing law of averages that only apply to me, the sheriff tried to deliver his divorce papers to his work while he was with me at the daycare. That was a lovely phone call I received as I was half way home. He didn't actually get the papers, but he will shit himself when he reads them tomorrow. I guess we can say that tomorrow will suck too. Oh well, he is kind of getting what he deserves.



To top off my wonderful day, I got a letter from the immunologist that said "Please call ASAP to schedule an appointment to review lab results and treatments". What the fuck? Did these people meet me? You don't send shit like that to me in the mail. What made it worse is that they had crossed out the regular wording and wrote in the ASAP part. Of course it was almost 5 o'clock by the time I read this and began frantically calling. I finally got a nurse to tell me it looks like Monkey's antibodies are low. What does that mean? I looked on my friend, WebMD, and it was too freaky to read. The nurse said that he needed some kind of pneumonia shot and that the doctor would discuss the rest at our appointment. It is not until Tuesday. I may have to be committed by then. I can't deal with anything else. I can't. I am so tired and scared. What if he is really sick? How do I handle all of this fucking grief, this new life I am trying to scrape together, and this? I'll take the rest of it. Just make my baby okay.

I am so tired, but cannot sleep. I go to work, but can't concentrate. My mind is fuzzy and running at a million miles an hour. I don't know how to keep doing this. It is one thing after another and there is only one of me. I am just so tired and overwhelmed. I would say a prayer, but my faith is running a little low these days.

Dear God,

Please make my baby okay.

Amen.

I'm Here

Sorry for being absent lately. So much going on and not nearly the time or energy to get it done.

Monkey seems to be doing better. Just maybe the surgery is our magic bullet to making him feel better. It has been a tough week for him since he has started a new daycare. Transitions are so hard for him. Unfortunately, he won't be staying with this provider as she only agreed to keep him on part time basis and I will be increasing my hours at work soon. I have found another provider to keep him so that is a positive. He has cried all morning while I am at work. I hate leaving him. I hope in a few weeks it is all better and he is settled. The tears just rip my heart out.

I have secured more hours and benefits at work with my current job so at least I have that security. It is my temporary plan for getting back on my feet. I finally heard back regarding my job interview and I go back later this week for one more interview. Sure seems like a lot of trouble for this kind of position. Oh well. If it is meant to be it will work out.

This divorce thing is so hard. My mood shifts from sad to angry without warning. The papers have been filed, but he has not been served as of yet. He will probably get them tomorrow. I am dreading that phone call. He will not be happy with what I have proposed, but I am trying to do what is best for Monkey and myself. This just sucks so much.

I feel as if my head is spinning and I am on the verge of hyperventilating due to too may decisions that all must be made in such a short period of time. I don't have much time to contemplate my choices and that is not my way. I am much more calculated than flying by the seat of my pants. I am trying to go with things and trust that all will fall into place. I must hang on to my faith that I can do this. It is all I have.

Don't Cry

I found this cheap picture frame in the dollar pin at store the other day. I had to buy it because the quote about dropped me to my knees.

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened."

I put a picture of my boys in it. I am taking them with me from this marriage. That is the reason for M being in my life. I am not sure what the reason is for this heartbreak, but I got my boys from it and I will be grateful.

Update

Monkey's surgery went fairly well. It was delayed over two hours which is never good with a hungry two year old. He gave them a scare when he began to wake up because he had a bronchial spasm that made him desat. They had to give him positive pressure to open his airway and breathing treatments to dilate his bronchials in his lungs. They said this is common in preemies. They called it a hyper-reactive airway. I will just call it scary.


He had a hard time waking up, but other than that, he is doing well. The surgeon gave him a shot of steroids and I was so lucky that they kicked in about 9:00 last night. He was like an amped up animal. I hate steroids. He finally fell asleep next to me in bed watching Dumbo. Got to love Disney. They have seen me through what could have been many sleepless nights.

M did go yesterday and it was okay until the day had drawn on a little too long and then he really started to annoy me. It felt weird to sit beside him and worry for our son, but feel no connection or love for him. It is all so strange to me, this moving on.

I took another big step today. I met with the woman who is going to establish my single hood and get my life moving in the right direction. The next few days should be interesting as M learns what I have done. I know he doesn't expect me to do anything. He is very wrong. He is going to be pissed and I know I will feel the wrath, but these are the repercussions of his choices, not mine. I will do whatever I must do to protect my son and provide him with the best life possible. It felt liberating today. I didn't even shed a single tear. I know I have made the right choice. I hope I feel this okay with it when it all comes out in the open and he responds. I am very afraid that this will get ugly.