Crazy

Well, here I am feeling sorry for myself. I hate that. It is just so pathetic. I tell myself that I will survive this and be better for it in the end. Not sure I really believe that. I am tired of being strong and more tired of others telling me to be strong. This sucks.

Monday was our 2nd hearing so M could argue over two hours of visitation. It was almost funny it was so stupid for us to be there. He didn't get anymore time so I guess it was one small victory for me. I did finally get to see the counter claim to my divorce filing and he is asking for residential custody. I don't really see that happening, but the nerve of him to ask. He has been gone for almost a year and hasn't spent one night with Monkey since then and he wants him. Whatever. It is all a joke.

When I see him I am more angry than ever, but once I am away for awhile, my mind wonders back to my old life. It was by no means perfect, but it was what I wanted. I am sorry it all ended so terribly. I have found the worst part of this divorce is that I feel like I am losing my mind. I go from strong and ready to kick ass to sad and so very angry.

Did he leave because I was a terrible wife? I am sure I was at times. I honestly wasn't much of wife since the boys were born. I didn't have anything left for him. I just had the will to care for them and to grieve my lost son. Did he leave because I failed? I couldn't give him healthy children so maybe he decided I was defective and it was all more than he signed up for? Was it because I no longer look like I used to? 15 pounds of baby does have a negative effect on your body. I could lose 40 lbs and I would never look the same. Maybe I am just a disgusting reminder of his dead son. Maybe he never really loved me and I sadly believed in it all.

My worst suspicions have been confirmed. M is seeing someone. Not just someone. He is seeing and God knows whatever else with his receptionist. It makes me slightly sick just thinking about it. He took her skiing while I sat at he hospital getting Monkey's Synagis shots and driving an hour away for another doctor's appointment. There are his priorities. I am totally humiliated. I defended him and told myself he would never do such a thing. I was so stupid and blind. I so wanted to believe that he wasn't like that. I wanted to believe that he loved me. He was seeing her while he drug me to the last therapist. All of it while telling me he was coming home.

The worst part of it is the type of person she is. Let's just say she has lived a rough life. Drugs, alcohol, you name it, I am sure she has done it. She is the exact opposite of me. He always said I was to conservative, not fun enough. I know people make mistakes, but really what morals does she have since she didn't seem to have a problem being with a married man. I really think I may be sick. I can't stand the idea of him with her and yet I don't want him anymore. Doesn't make sense does it?

I am sure I am sharing more than I should. I am just so lost and frustrated. I really don't know how I got here. I am trying to not dwell on my old life, but nothing seems to quiet the fear that I will be alone forever. Who would want me? I am broken and surely, I would scare away anyone who dared come near me. I wonder how to be a good Mama to Monkey. He is the reason I wake up each day and keep moving. He is the reason I keep on living.

Monkey will spend the weekend with M. My heart is already breaking just thinking about it. What if he gets scared or worse what if he gets sick? What if he cries and wants his Mama? I have never spent a night away from him. I hate this more than any of it. I wish I didn't have to let him go. I know it is only one night, but what if M has Monkey with his new girlfriend? Now, I really am making myself crazy. It is just one night.

I just want to go to sleep and maybe in the morning I will wake up and this will all just be a bad dream. Maybe when I wake up my baby boys will both be alive and my loving husband will be next to me in bed. I know it is not going to happen, but I still miss my old dreams and life. I am just so tired of being sad and lonely. I just want this all to be over with.