Monday was the divorce hearing. It was one of the most surreal things I have ever done. M sat a few rows in front of me while we witnessed several other couples end their marriages. I heard one such couple who have been fighting about custody for over 3 years. Just think only 16 more years for me. It was heart wrenching to look at the man I loved for all that time knowing that this is the end. Our attorney's worked out an agreement before we went before the judge. M will see Monkey two evenings a week and part of the weekend. He gets one overnight each month. It is more than I can stand, yet at times I wonder what it must feel like on his side. I can't imagine not kissing Monkey goodnight and seeing his smiling face each morning.
I guess though he and I are different people. My family is the world to me and I would do anything for them. He on the other had has chosen someone else. He has not exactly admitted it to me, but he has made it very clear that he is involved. What makes it worse is that she works for him. She has been in my house. She also has made some very bad choices in life and for risk of sounding judgemental the choices do not set well with someone who has buried a child. It is sick. I am so disgusted by the thought of them. It is so infuriating when I imagine M taking my sweet, innocent baby around her. The court orders state that he cannot have Monkey around anyone he dating. We will see if he follows it. In the end, I know the truth will come out and then I will take him back to court and he will have chosen a fling over his son.
I don't know what to do this with this anger. Every aspect of my life has changed. I have left my home, uprooting my child. We have switched daycare and I will begin my new job in a few weeks. I know I will survive this because I must protect Monkey. That is my only priority. I will provide him a life full of love and make up for the terrible choices his father has made. I WILL NOT allow my son to grow up thinking it is okay to abandon your family. I will teach him values and I must believe that he will one day understand. I love him so much and hurt so much for the hand he has been dealt. He is so young to know so much heartbreak.
I know I have been silent for awhile. I find that there is not enough time in the day to get caught up. I work, pack, and try to do my best with Monkey. I can't sleep and find myself struggling between feeling empowered, overwhelmed, and so very sad. How did this become my life? Was I not good enough?
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4 comments:
Hugs.
It's not you that is not good enough.
It's M who is not good enough for you and Monkey.
It must be so hard.
I really have no words because I can't understand why someone would hurt you so badly, on top of everything else.
Oh Sweets - to the contrary - you are too good. Those of us that work hard to live a good life have to suffer just a bit more. I mean, it's not hard to make bad choices, then rationalize your way out of accepting the consequences, is it?
You are a wonderful mother. Monkey will tell you that...someday.
xoxo
Honey, you didn't abandon your marriage. He did. My best friend is going through something similar (there are no children involved, however) and it is devastating to watch it in RL as well as you online. I just wish there was something I could do for both of you.
Don't give up hope. That's what keeps the light burning at the end of the tunnel. You will make it through. You'll do it for Monkey and you'll do it for you.
No visits, even with the girlfriend, are going to change who Monkey is or what his values are. Be happy that his dad wants to spend time with him and trust him to be a good dad to him.
My ex is dating (and probably marrying) a woman my older daughter hates, but it doesn't really matter, even though they spend 6 out of 14 nights with him, because THIS is their home.
BTW, is this a temporary court order? I don't know how these things work in the US.
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