No more, please

Today was bad.



I found new daycare. This is good, but bad in the sense we start the transitioning again. I took Monkey to play at the new one this afternoon and of course M had to go. Fuck me. I am so freaking tired of his crap.



In the amazing law of averages that only apply to me, the sheriff tried to deliver his divorce papers to his work while he was with me at the daycare. That was a lovely phone call I received as I was half way home. He didn't actually get the papers, but he will shit himself when he reads them tomorrow. I guess we can say that tomorrow will suck too. Oh well, he is kind of getting what he deserves.



To top off my wonderful day, I got a letter from the immunologist that said "Please call ASAP to schedule an appointment to review lab results and treatments". What the fuck? Did these people meet me? You don't send shit like that to me in the mail. What made it worse is that they had crossed out the regular wording and wrote in the ASAP part. Of course it was almost 5 o'clock by the time I read this and began frantically calling. I finally got a nurse to tell me it looks like Monkey's antibodies are low. What does that mean? I looked on my friend, WebMD, and it was too freaky to read. The nurse said that he needed some kind of pneumonia shot and that the doctor would discuss the rest at our appointment. It is not until Tuesday. I may have to be committed by then. I can't deal with anything else. I can't. I am so tired and scared. What if he is really sick? How do I handle all of this fucking grief, this new life I am trying to scrape together, and this? I'll take the rest of it. Just make my baby okay.

I am so tired, but cannot sleep. I go to work, but can't concentrate. My mind is fuzzy and running at a million miles an hour. I don't know how to keep doing this. It is one thing after another and there is only one of me. I am just so tired and overwhelmed. I would say a prayer, but my faith is running a little low these days.

Dear God,

Please make my baby okay.

Amen.

I'm Here

Sorry for being absent lately. So much going on and not nearly the time or energy to get it done.

Monkey seems to be doing better. Just maybe the surgery is our magic bullet to making him feel better. It has been a tough week for him since he has started a new daycare. Transitions are so hard for him. Unfortunately, he won't be staying with this provider as she only agreed to keep him on part time basis and I will be increasing my hours at work soon. I have found another provider to keep him so that is a positive. He has cried all morning while I am at work. I hate leaving him. I hope in a few weeks it is all better and he is settled. The tears just rip my heart out.

I have secured more hours and benefits at work with my current job so at least I have that security. It is my temporary plan for getting back on my feet. I finally heard back regarding my job interview and I go back later this week for one more interview. Sure seems like a lot of trouble for this kind of position. Oh well. If it is meant to be it will work out.

This divorce thing is so hard. My mood shifts from sad to angry without warning. The papers have been filed, but he has not been served as of yet. He will probably get them tomorrow. I am dreading that phone call. He will not be happy with what I have proposed, but I am trying to do what is best for Monkey and myself. This just sucks so much.

I feel as if my head is spinning and I am on the verge of hyperventilating due to too may decisions that all must be made in such a short period of time. I don't have much time to contemplate my choices and that is not my way. I am much more calculated than flying by the seat of my pants. I am trying to go with things and trust that all will fall into place. I must hang on to my faith that I can do this. It is all I have.

Don't Cry

I found this cheap picture frame in the dollar pin at store the other day. I had to buy it because the quote about dropped me to my knees.

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened."

I put a picture of my boys in it. I am taking them with me from this marriage. That is the reason for M being in my life. I am not sure what the reason is for this heartbreak, but I got my boys from it and I will be grateful.

Update

Monkey's surgery went fairly well. It was delayed over two hours which is never good with a hungry two year old. He gave them a scare when he began to wake up because he had a bronchial spasm that made him desat. They had to give him positive pressure to open his airway and breathing treatments to dilate his bronchials in his lungs. They said this is common in preemies. They called it a hyper-reactive airway. I will just call it scary.


He had a hard time waking up, but other than that, he is doing well. The surgeon gave him a shot of steroids and I was so lucky that they kicked in about 9:00 last night. He was like an amped up animal. I hate steroids. He finally fell asleep next to me in bed watching Dumbo. Got to love Disney. They have seen me through what could have been many sleepless nights.

M did go yesterday and it was okay until the day had drawn on a little too long and then he really started to annoy me. It felt weird to sit beside him and worry for our son, but feel no connection or love for him. It is all so strange to me, this moving on.

I took another big step today. I met with the woman who is going to establish my single hood and get my life moving in the right direction. The next few days should be interesting as M learns what I have done. I know he doesn't expect me to do anything. He is very wrong. He is going to be pissed and I know I will feel the wrath, but these are the repercussions of his choices, not mine. I will do whatever I must do to protect my son and provide him with the best life possible. It felt liberating today. I didn't even shed a single tear. I know I have made the right choice. I hope I feel this okay with it when it all comes out in the open and he responds. I am very afraid that this will get ugly.

Surgery

Monkey's surgery is tomorrow. I am terrified. I know all will be okay, but it is just my nature to imagine the worst. I will summon my lost faith and say a prayer. Please protect my sweet boy.

It has been an awful day. M has been terrible and I am just so tired. It always throws me how tired you can be from having your emotions twisted and turned in all directions. Tomorrow is going to be hard, but he is going to make it all the worse.

I am just going to keep reminding myself to breath. I keep telling myself I must climb this mountain in order to reap the rewards of the breathtaking view from the top.

Monkey and I are going to be okay.

This is so very hard.

This is harder than I imagined. Last night was our first night with my parents and it was horrible for me and wonderful for Monkey. He is ecstatic to be with his beloved grandparents. The anxiety is about to kick my ass. I feel like a huge weight is about to crush me and I kind of hope it would just to put me out of my misery. It was so bad that I truly wonder in the darkness of night why I wanted to keep living. That little man in the next room reminded me why I choose to endure this pain. I love him more than my life and he needs me.

It must get better. Things just feel so hopeless right now. I am not quite ready to face the reality that is my life right now. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

My Next Journey

The room in spinning.

My chest is heavy.

I can't catch my breath.

My mind is racing.

There are no words to express the depths of my sorrow and regret. I sit here now beginning to grieve my former life and my lost dreams. It seems my old friend grief has found a new way to entrench itself into my life like he wasn't already cemented into my world. I waiver between uncontrollable anger and anguishing sorrow. At times, the optimist in me takes hold and I feel I can do this, but then the sun sets and I realize I am all alone.

Tomorrow I begin the journey back home to my family. I will return to those who love me unconditionally even though they do not understand my hurt. They will love me and most importantly of all, they will love Monkey with every ounce of their being. Right now, all I can ask for is to be loved. Having had love stripped away, I find myself craving the security that comes with unconditional love.

I am moving on. My steps are labored and slow, but they are moving forward.

Let the waiting begin..

I survived the interview. I don't really have a gut instinct as to how it went. I think it was okay. They won't decide until next week...that sucks.

I finally got in touch with the attorney to make an appointment. Next week...

Monkey's test won't be back until..you guessed it..next week.

Have I mentioned I hate waiting? It is going to be a long week around here. I am starting to pack and beginning to dread Monkey's surgery next week.

Keep the good thoughts coming. God knows I need them right now.

Still no real answers

We went for the test today. First off, I love this doctor! He is awesome. That is huge since I don't really think any doctor is awesome. He actually seemed to know what he was talking about, was nice, actually listened, and wasn't terrible looking (nothing wrong with eye candy and I deserve that!). We did the testing and it wasn't that bad. I was very surprised that Monkey didn't have more than a mild reaction. The doctor said that was good, but that in a couple of years that could definitely change.

We had to have blood drawn and that woman is lucky she escaped with her life. She poked him and then just kept fishing around in his arm for the vein. What is it with these people? Do they think that would feel good if I did that to them? She seemed to notice I was getting pissed and found another lady to do it. She was good. One poke and the blood was drawn. They are testing him for a immune deficiency. We have done part of these test before and it was negative, but apparently there are more. I have forced myself to not look online to see what this would mean if they come back and he has the deficiency. I don't want to know right now. My brain can't handle anymore worries.

The bad part of my day (besides a small room for 3 hours with M in it) was that I discovered that there were alternatives to the PICC line. Either my ped doesn't know about these other options or he felt it wasn't best at the time. They make a new kind of nebulizer that can put the steroids (aka baby crack) and the antibiotic directly in his sinuses without all of the side effects and the risk of resistance to the oral ones. I don't want to know I put him through that and it wasn't necessary. Maybe it was, I don't know. It was just terrible and I would have tried anything else to avoid it. We will get the nebulizer once Monkey has his surgery next week and they can culture his sinuses to determine what is causing the problem. One more big hurdle and maybe we are on the road to feeling better.

Thanks for all of your good thoughts. My interview is tomorrow. Cross your fingers!

Something good for a change!

I haven't fallen off of the face of the Earth yet (it does sound nice though). I am here trudging through this shitty thing called my life. Things with M are just getting worse and I have a very bad feeling this is going to be dirty.

I finally took that next step out the door. Well, almost out of the door. I picked up the phone, took a deep breath, and dialed the number. She was out, but I told her assistant the scenario with M and she said the attorney will call me back. It is a start and it was very hard to say out loud what I wanted to do. I don't really want it, but what choice to I have? Right now, my only focus is Monkey and I will do whatever I have to.

Do you believe that things really happen for a reason? I don't know that I do because I can't think of a reason for all that happened to Noah, but something happened that I really needed. I received a call regarding I position I applied for two months ago. I assumed they filled the position since I had never heard back. I have an interview!! This is a real job (full time) with benefits. It pays enough that I can tell M to go fuck himself (I won't be rich, but I won't need him). It would allow me to start over. Please send me your good thoughts! I need this so much. Receiving that call gave me the confidence to know that I can do this. I can't control the ass he has become, but I can take control of my life. It helped me dial that dreaded number.

Tomorrow is going to be awful. Monkey sees the allergist tomorrow and I am gearing myself up for the allergy testing. It is going to be so scary for him. I hate to see him that way. To top it off, M has insisted on going with us. Fuck me. That will be the longest afternoon in the world. Two hours in the same car and a 2-3 hour appointment. This is going to suck for me as much as Monkey.

I pray that tomorrow is quick and painless for Monkey and I don't have the urge to leave M on the side of the road ( I am thinking much worse, but it isn't nice). I am so nervous for this interview. I need it so much I don't want to seem needy. It is hard to pull it together when I feel like such a wreck. I need something good to happen. I hope this is it.