It has been three years and I miss you as much as I did the day you left us. I know you are whole and healthy dancing in heaven. Monkey and I know you are watching out for us and sending us your love. We hope you know how much we love you.
Monkey told me today that you are an angel now and that you blew away. I think he meant that you flew away, but he understands you are in heaven. He loves you and I know he can feel you in his heart. Please continue to bless him and protect your sweet, big brother.
I pray for sweet dreams of you tonight.
I miss you my sweet Noah.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Today
Right now I would have been sitting in the ER trying to explain to an incompetent nurse that he always desats when you move him. Why could she not understand what I needed? I just needed her to get us a room, a doctor, and some antibiotics. I was sure that would fix the problem. Never mind the central apnea and CPR. I can live with that...just keep my baby alive. I would do my part if they would just get him what I needed.
They moved in slow motion. No one had the sense of urgency that I did. His sats dropped to zero two or three times while we were in the ER. I don't remember anyone rushing to resuscitate him. I did it. I would rub his feet, blow in his face, and gently shake him to get him to take another breath. With each breath I would say a silent prayer and ready myself for the next episode. This process had started over a week earlier and had just continued to get worse. Even with that I couldn't see it. There was no way I would leave without him....
Today has been hard. I just can't concentrate on anything. I survived work, but it was a long day. Noah sent me a few blessings today. It started with an unsolicited hug from my best friend as we dropped our kids at daycare. All she said is that I needed it and she loved me. The damn broke and the tears fell all the way to work. She remembered.
My next gift came from a coworker I don't know well today, she mentioned her son had special needs. I told her I kind of understood and began telling her about Noah. She hugged me and told me she didn't know how I did it. I answered by telling her it is no different than what she does everyday. You do the best you can for all of your children. By her eyes, I knew she got it without me having to say much. She belongs to the "I didn't sign up for this club". Even with a living child, we both understand NICU's, brain MRI's, horrible neuro's, and the fear of whether your child will live. To have someone sit in front of me and understand was a gift. Thank you Noah.
My last gift was somewhat unexpected. There is a guy I work with who has shown interest, but I am just not ready to go there. He is nice enough, but I always got the feeling that the whole Noah topic freaked him out. He sent me an email today telling me to have a good day tomorrow even though he knew it would be rough. He remembered. I mentioned it once weeks ago. Maybe he isn't such a bad guy. Is Noah trying to get me to open myself up to the idea of letting someone new into my life? I know they are small things, but I am trying to not overlook Noah's gifts. I have learned that they are small and subtle. Gifts or not, I needed each of those moments today. They made me stronger and validated that Noah mattered.
I am going to spend the rest of this evening hugging Monkey as he goes to sleep and then sharing a bottle of wine with a few good friends. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers. They have given me strength and reassurance that Noah is remembered. I am blessed with two beautiful boys, good friends to help me through, and this sacred place to share and be understood. Thank you.
They moved in slow motion. No one had the sense of urgency that I did. His sats dropped to zero two or three times while we were in the ER. I don't remember anyone rushing to resuscitate him. I did it. I would rub his feet, blow in his face, and gently shake him to get him to take another breath. With each breath I would say a silent prayer and ready myself for the next episode. This process had started over a week earlier and had just continued to get worse. Even with that I couldn't see it. There was no way I would leave without him....
Today has been hard. I just can't concentrate on anything. I survived work, but it was a long day. Noah sent me a few blessings today. It started with an unsolicited hug from my best friend as we dropped our kids at daycare. All she said is that I needed it and she loved me. The damn broke and the tears fell all the way to work. She remembered.
My next gift came from a coworker I don't know well today, she mentioned her son had special needs. I told her I kind of understood and began telling her about Noah. She hugged me and told me she didn't know how I did it. I answered by telling her it is no different than what she does everyday. You do the best you can for all of your children. By her eyes, I knew she got it without me having to say much. She belongs to the "I didn't sign up for this club". Even with a living child, we both understand NICU's, brain MRI's, horrible neuro's, and the fear of whether your child will live. To have someone sit in front of me and understand was a gift. Thank you Noah.
My last gift was somewhat unexpected. There is a guy I work with who has shown interest, but I am just not ready to go there. He is nice enough, but I always got the feeling that the whole Noah topic freaked him out. He sent me an email today telling me to have a good day tomorrow even though he knew it would be rough. He remembered. I mentioned it once weeks ago. Maybe he isn't such a bad guy. Is Noah trying to get me to open myself up to the idea of letting someone new into my life? I know they are small things, but I am trying to not overlook Noah's gifts. I have learned that they are small and subtle. Gifts or not, I needed each of those moments today. They made me stronger and validated that Noah mattered.
I am going to spend the rest of this evening hugging Monkey as he goes to sleep and then sharing a bottle of wine with a few good friends. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers. They have given me strength and reassurance that Noah is remembered. I am blessed with two beautiful boys, good friends to help me through, and this sacred place to share and be understood. Thank you.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Two Days
Today I dressed him in a special t-shirt to surprise his dear Aunt upon her arrival to see him. He had a cold, but didn't seem much worse than the day before. The boys played in the jungle gym and we all just visited and held them. Why didn't I know that I only had one day left? I can't remember anything else from that day. Why can't I remember?
I don't know what to do with myself. I dug out the last outfit he ever wore last night. I so desperately wanted it to smell of him. I fell asleep holding that outfit. I slept with it for months after he died. I just needed to feel him.
I just want to lay in the floor and cry. I miss him so much. I go from feeling so sad and empty to just sick. It is so much harder this year. What if I am the only one who remembers him this year? Maybe I am just scared that no one will even notice or say anything to me. A piece of my heart is missing and lies with my dear sweet boy. Can't the world see the hole? Can't they see how broken I am? I am just so alone in all of this.
I am working tomorrow, but I am not sure how to get through the day. Tomorrow is the last day I ever spent with my boy. Noah died on the 17th, but at 3:22 AM. The 16th was the last time I saw his eyes open and felt him relax into me as I held him. Why doesn't the world stop? Mine stopped and damn it, everyone else just keeps moving. I don't want to smile and pretend my world is okay. I want to cry, scream, and just curl up in a ball for just awhile.
Monkey and I are taking the day on Thursday. I don't know really know what we are going to do. I just know I need to hold on to him. Maybe through him, I can feel Noah and maybe Noah can feel me.
Three years. How am I still here? I love him and miss him...
I don't know what to do with myself. I dug out the last outfit he ever wore last night. I so desperately wanted it to smell of him. I fell asleep holding that outfit. I slept with it for months after he died. I just needed to feel him.
I just want to lay in the floor and cry. I miss him so much. I go from feeling so sad and empty to just sick. It is so much harder this year. What if I am the only one who remembers him this year? Maybe I am just scared that no one will even notice or say anything to me. A piece of my heart is missing and lies with my dear sweet boy. Can't the world see the hole? Can't they see how broken I am? I am just so alone in all of this.
I am working tomorrow, but I am not sure how to get through the day. Tomorrow is the last day I ever spent with my boy. Noah died on the 17th, but at 3:22 AM. The 16th was the last time I saw his eyes open and felt him relax into me as I held him. Why doesn't the world stop? Mine stopped and damn it, everyone else just keeps moving. I don't want to smile and pretend my world is okay. I want to cry, scream, and just curl up in a ball for just awhile.
Monkey and I are taking the day on Thursday. I don't know really know what we are going to do. I just know I need to hold on to him. Maybe through him, I can feel Noah and maybe Noah can feel me.
Three years. How am I still here? I love him and miss him...
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Things have been crazy around here. It seems there is something going on everyday and it seems Christmas will be before I have even begun to be ready. That could be good or bad depending on how you look at it. Monkey is loving the tree and twinkling lights. It is so fun to watch him delight in the magic the holiday holds when you are little. I am trying to learn to love this once beloved holiday. I am trying to embrace my grief, the approaching anniversary, and the awe on Monkey's face. He deserves the same magical experience I remember as a child.
Noah's day is fast approaching. Once again, nothing seems worthy to mark the day it all changed. The day I lost part of myself and my beloved son. What I am supposed to do? I took the day off work, but then what? I figured Monkey and I could stay home, drink hot chocolate, and snuggle on the couch, but how do I remember Noah? He is always on my mind, always in my heart, but I feel that I should be doing something larger. I just don't know what. It is strange this year. I have the moments of intense sadness, but mostly I just feel empty. It all seems like a dream. Almost like he never existed except I have the photos and scars to prove he was here. I miss him. How do I let him know how much I love him? How do I make peace with his loss?
Noah's day is fast approaching. Once again, nothing seems worthy to mark the day it all changed. The day I lost part of myself and my beloved son. What I am supposed to do? I took the day off work, but then what? I figured Monkey and I could stay home, drink hot chocolate, and snuggle on the couch, but how do I remember Noah? He is always on my mind, always in my heart, but I feel that I should be doing something larger. I just don't know what. It is strange this year. I have the moments of intense sadness, but mostly I just feel empty. It all seems like a dream. Almost like he never existed except I have the photos and scars to prove he was here. I miss him. How do I let him know how much I love him? How do I make peace with his loss?
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Moving on...
Days like this I wonder if this fight is worth fighting. In my gut, I know that I am trying to do the right thing. I know my direction gets skewed from time to time by hurt and anger. I have been betrayed by the person who now tells me to "trust" him when it comes to my only living child. I do try to shake that off and keep trudging on.
It doesn't help when Monkey talks about him constantly. He typically just keeps asking when his Dad is getting him. I know he misses him and I realize that by not seeing him all of the time, he is all the more appealing. At times, I feel like I am letting Monkey down. I know I am distracted and sometimes inpatient. Let's be honest that is sometimes just life with a three year old, but I feel guilty for the brief moments I stop and think about my lost marriage or when something reminds me of a time in life when I was free and happy. There are many times each day that a conversation or a picture takes me back when I am least expecting it. It sucker punches me and it takes me a few minutes to refocus on "this" life. I wonder if Monkey would be happier with M. He is happy and living his new life with no regrets. Monkey got me, who loves him more than life, but he also got the me who gets sucked into my grief from time to time. He gets me who doesn't seem to know how to feel happy. I just want so much for him and I am really struggling to find my place in this world of single mothers. Great, another fucking club I didn't ask to join. So where do I find my place in the dead baby, single mom because my husband decided to screw a whore club? Sorry, I know not a good attitude. I just can't help it sometimes.
I wake up each day and tell myself to start over. Smile, hug Monkey, and hope something good happens. By the end of the day, I am tired and beaten down. Moving on is so fucking hard. I don't love him anymore, but I guess I do love the person I married. I am finding it difficult to get over the betrayal. I think I would like to meet someone, but I honestly don't know how to let anyone into my world. I can't take anymore heartache and loss. Anyways, I would scare the shit out of some poor guy. Taking that step to actually go on a date or even consider it is terrifying. The rejection will kill me. I'm also afraid of settling for the first good thing (not that my options are huge) just because I am so fucking tired of being alone.
I miss just having someone there. Someone to talk to or just sit next to and watch TV. I miss the security of knowing someone will be there when I get home from work. I hate to admit it, but I kind of miss being at my parents. It was nice to have someone to talk to. The silence feels like it is going to swallow me here. There at least I wasn't alone.
It is all just overwhelming at times. I forgot to go get Monkey's medicine from the pharmacy. It just about put me in tears. I have no help and I just can't seem to remember it all. I know he is fine and I can get it tomorrow, but I am failing at being supermom. I feel like I am trying to overcompensate for all of the shortcomings I can't seem to control. I just want to be a good Mom. I want to be happy and feel joy. I want to feel something besides empty.
It doesn't help when Monkey talks about him constantly. He typically just keeps asking when his Dad is getting him. I know he misses him and I realize that by not seeing him all of the time, he is all the more appealing. At times, I feel like I am letting Monkey down. I know I am distracted and sometimes inpatient. Let's be honest that is sometimes just life with a three year old, but I feel guilty for the brief moments I stop and think about my lost marriage or when something reminds me of a time in life when I was free and happy. There are many times each day that a conversation or a picture takes me back when I am least expecting it. It sucker punches me and it takes me a few minutes to refocus on "this" life. I wonder if Monkey would be happier with M. He is happy and living his new life with no regrets. Monkey got me, who loves him more than life, but he also got the me who gets sucked into my grief from time to time. He gets me who doesn't seem to know how to feel happy. I just want so much for him and I am really struggling to find my place in this world of single mothers. Great, another fucking club I didn't ask to join. So where do I find my place in the dead baby, single mom because my husband decided to screw a whore club? Sorry, I know not a good attitude. I just can't help it sometimes.
I wake up each day and tell myself to start over. Smile, hug Monkey, and hope something good happens. By the end of the day, I am tired and beaten down. Moving on is so fucking hard. I don't love him anymore, but I guess I do love the person I married. I am finding it difficult to get over the betrayal. I think I would like to meet someone, but I honestly don't know how to let anyone into my world. I can't take anymore heartache and loss. Anyways, I would scare the shit out of some poor guy. Taking that step to actually go on a date or even consider it is terrifying. The rejection will kill me. I'm also afraid of settling for the first good thing (not that my options are huge) just because I am so fucking tired of being alone.
I miss just having someone there. Someone to talk to or just sit next to and watch TV. I miss the security of knowing someone will be there when I get home from work. I hate to admit it, but I kind of miss being at my parents. It was nice to have someone to talk to. The silence feels like it is going to swallow me here. There at least I wasn't alone.
It is all just overwhelming at times. I forgot to go get Monkey's medicine from the pharmacy. It just about put me in tears. I have no help and I just can't seem to remember it all. I know he is fine and I can get it tomorrow, but I am failing at being supermom. I feel like I am trying to overcompensate for all of the shortcomings I can't seem to control. I just want to be a good Mom. I want to be happy and feel joy. I want to feel something besides empty.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Okay
Monkey woke early this morning. I could hear him in his room whining, almost on the verge of tears. I went to get him and brought him back to bed for some snuggle time. He burrowed in the pillows and then looked at me totally serious.
"Mama, Noah is happy now. Please change my diaper."
I whispered, "Thank you Noah". A little weight lifted knowing my sweet boy is okay. Crazy or not, these are my signs and I believe he is letting me know he is with Monkey and I.
"I love you Monkey. Yes, I will change your diaper."
What a perfect start to the day...
"Mama, Noah is happy now. Please change my diaper."
I whispered, "Thank you Noah". A little weight lifted knowing my sweet boy is okay. Crazy or not, these are my signs and I believe he is letting me know he is with Monkey and I.
"I love you Monkey. Yes, I will change your diaper."
What a perfect start to the day...
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Crying
I love rocking Monkey to sleep. Some nights he just wants to cuddle. Others he wants to talk or read books. Tonight he wanted "Night, night prayers".
Monkey's version of prayers is a long series of thank you's for all things he loves. Some nights they are silly. He is often thankful for his stuffed, blue puppy or his big Tonka truck. Tonight, he was more serious, almost reflective if possible for a three year old.
His little, squeaky voice said...
"Dear God...
Dank you for my new house. My puppy. Dank you for Mima and Papa. Dank you for Noah..."
I always smile when he remembers his sweet brother.
"He crying, Mama."
It took me a second to realize he was talking about Noah. It gives me goosebumps when Monkey says things like that. I wish I could know what was running through that little mind of his.
"Monkey, he isn't crying. He is in heaven dancing and looking down on us. He is happy and knows that we love him." I wipe away a tear...
"I miss him."
"I miss him too. Mama misses him too."
It is so hard to stop the tears. To be so young and yet to know so much loss.
I often wonder if I have made Noah too much a part of our lives, but how can I not? He is Monkey and Monkey is Noah. They are connected by something that I cannot begin to understand or question. I know their souls are intertwined.
When Monkey wonders about his baby brother, I just tell him about those precious moments of them together. I hug him tight and remind him how much Noah and I love him.
Monkey is an amazing child. I am so blessed.
Monkey's version of prayers is a long series of thank you's for all things he loves. Some nights they are silly. He is often thankful for his stuffed, blue puppy or his big Tonka truck. Tonight, he was more serious, almost reflective if possible for a three year old.
His little, squeaky voice said...
"Dear God...
Dank you for my new house. My puppy. Dank you for Mima and Papa. Dank you for Noah..."
I always smile when he remembers his sweet brother.
"He crying, Mama."
It took me a second to realize he was talking about Noah. It gives me goosebumps when Monkey says things like that. I wish I could know what was running through that little mind of his.
"Monkey, he isn't crying. He is in heaven dancing and looking down on us. He is happy and knows that we love him." I wipe away a tear...
"I miss him."
"I miss him too. Mama misses him too."
It is so hard to stop the tears. To be so young and yet to know so much loss.
I often wonder if I have made Noah too much a part of our lives, but how can I not? He is Monkey and Monkey is Noah. They are connected by something that I cannot begin to understand or question. I know their souls are intertwined.
When Monkey wonders about his baby brother, I just tell him about those precious moments of them together. I hug him tight and remind him how much Noah and I love him.
Monkey is an amazing child. I am so blessed.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Relief
I want to feel something, anything than this weight I carry. I am tired. I want to stand in the sunshine and feel its warmth on my face. I want to feel free and happy just for a few moments. I can't remember the last time I felt that way. I just need some relief from this never ending sadness and loneliness.
I don't know how to reach out to those around me. I just need a shoulder to lean on when things get tough. I feel weak and ashamed. My life is a disaster and on the outside it looks as if I am picking up the pieces, but the inside is a gutted mess. I don't even know how to talk to people anymore. I don't know anything but sadness and survival. They talk about the usual random things and I have to resist the urge to scream out that my son is dead and my husband is a cheating bastard. They don't want to know and let's be real, it is humiliating to admit that I wasn't worth more than his two dollar whore. They don't understand the depths of my grief and anger. They can't see the little moments of hope. It is all there behind my forced smile that is trying to hide that fact that I am horribly uncomfortable. What the hell is wrong with me?
I need to know that it is okay that I cringe every time Monkey asks me if his "Daddy is picking him up". He is but a baby and doesn't know of his father's true nature. He loves him and so desperately wants his love. I want my baby to be happy, but I really hate his father. I bite my lip and tell him yes or no. I always acknowledge, but my insides are screaming profanity laced words. It stings to hear him speak of the man who chose to sleep around with his "girlfriend" while Monkey was so ill and needed him. I can't forget that and never will. M has totally let go of any guilt he feels towards his son. I guess that lets him sleep at night. I feel that I am the bad person, that I have done something wrong. I did what I was supposed to. When do I quit paying the price for his choices? I tried with all my might to do what was best for Monkey. When does this fucking nightmare get better?
I never realized being alone is so exhausting. I just want to be held. To feel that safety of knowing that someone loves you and thinks you are worth something. I feel like a worthless failure. I know that I have to find me in all of this. I have to love me in order to take the best care of Monkey I can. I am trying, but I still can't shake this. I can't let it go. My heart is broken and I am not sure there is anyway to repair it. Maybe I will always be broken and alone. Maybe it is that I need to make peace with. Maybe this is all I get. How do I learn to be happy and content when so much is missing? I love Monkey with all of heart and he does make me happy, but the void is always there. The little voice telling me that so many things are missing is always whispering in my ear. Even in the brief moments of happiness, it creeps in and steals away a piece of the moment.
I don't know how to reach out to those around me. I just need a shoulder to lean on when things get tough. I feel weak and ashamed. My life is a disaster and on the outside it looks as if I am picking up the pieces, but the inside is a gutted mess. I don't even know how to talk to people anymore. I don't know anything but sadness and survival. They talk about the usual random things and I have to resist the urge to scream out that my son is dead and my husband is a cheating bastard. They don't want to know and let's be real, it is humiliating to admit that I wasn't worth more than his two dollar whore. They don't understand the depths of my grief and anger. They can't see the little moments of hope. It is all there behind my forced smile that is trying to hide that fact that I am horribly uncomfortable. What the hell is wrong with me?
I need to know that it is okay that I cringe every time Monkey asks me if his "Daddy is picking him up". He is but a baby and doesn't know of his father's true nature. He loves him and so desperately wants his love. I want my baby to be happy, but I really hate his father. I bite my lip and tell him yes or no. I always acknowledge, but my insides are screaming profanity laced words. It stings to hear him speak of the man who chose to sleep around with his "girlfriend" while Monkey was so ill and needed him. I can't forget that and never will. M has totally let go of any guilt he feels towards his son. I guess that lets him sleep at night. I feel that I am the bad person, that I have done something wrong. I did what I was supposed to. When do I quit paying the price for his choices? I tried with all my might to do what was best for Monkey. When does this fucking nightmare get better?
I never realized being alone is so exhausting. I just want to be held. To feel that safety of knowing that someone loves you and thinks you are worth something. I feel like a worthless failure. I know that I have to find me in all of this. I have to love me in order to take the best care of Monkey I can. I am trying, but I still can't shake this. I can't let it go. My heart is broken and I am not sure there is anyway to repair it. Maybe I will always be broken and alone. Maybe it is that I need to make peace with. Maybe this is all I get. How do I learn to be happy and content when so much is missing? I love Monkey with all of heart and he does make me happy, but the void is always there. The little voice telling me that so many things are missing is always whispering in my ear. Even in the brief moments of happiness, it creeps in and steals away a piece of the moment.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Random Thoughts
Life has gotten crazy around here. Moving is hard work. I really forgot how much I hate unpacking. In my state of hatred and disgust, I must have taken everything in our house just so he couldn't have it. Bad choice. I have discovered, I don't want it. None of it. I don't want anything in this house to remind me of him. I hear EBay calling my name or maybe just a huge garage sale this spring. May as well make some money off these bad memories.
___________________________________________
I have been thinking about Noah a lot these days. New beginnings really make me think of all that I have said goodbye to. I am hung up on one thought though. He died in my arms twice. He died and my breath brought him back to only kill him in the end. I don't understand why I could him life one last time to only have him taken a few short days later.
I miss him.
Why can't I feel him anymore?
Please say hello to your Mama or just send me a sign through Monkey.
I am tired and overwhelmed. I need you strength and love.
I love you Noah.
___________________________________________
I have been thinking about Noah a lot these days. New beginnings really make me think of all that I have said goodbye to. I am hung up on one thought though. He died in my arms twice. He died and my breath brought him back to only kill him in the end. I don't understand why I could him life one last time to only have him taken a few short days later.
I miss him.
Why can't I feel him anymore?
Please say hello to your Mama or just send me a sign through Monkey.
I am tired and overwhelmed. I need you strength and love.
I love you Noah.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Laughter
Today I spent my lunch hour doing some last minute birthday shopping for Monkey. I can't believe my baby is going to be 3. It blows my mind to think of how the time has passed. It has been hard, but I never could have imagined how much I love that little boy.
My phone rang breaking my thoughts of choo choo train cakes and Tonka trucks. I didn't recognize the number, which normally would lead me to silence the ringer and let it go to voice mail. For some reason, I answered. It was the pastor from the church M and I attempted to attend at the end of our crumbling marriage. He wanted to invite us to join a couple's group. I am pretty sure God has a twisted sense of humor. He caught me off guard and I just blurted out that we were divorced. There was a short silence, but he recovered pretty quickly and asked if I was okay. I gave my standard answer of people make bad decisions, which is universal for my husband is a cheating bastard. He understood immediately and even asked about it without flinching. Did I cry? No, I laughed. He must think I am an insane woman. I laughed because if I didn't I was sure I would lose it in the middle of that store and I refuse to let M have that kind of power over me.
I actually enjoyed the conversation. He invited me back to church and to meet with me if I wanted. The idea is somewhat intriguing as I find myself at a crossroads with my faith. I must believe as I know one day I will be reunited with my sweet Noah, but I don't understand why my children and myself must suffer so much. Maybe instead of the sick sense of humor, this was God's way of leading me back? I guess I believe in signs. I just don't seem to stop long enough to see them. When things settle down, it is on my list. Maybe I will find my faith and just a little bit of peace.
________________________________________
I took Monkey today for what was supposed to be an eye exam with our EI services, but instead turned out to be just a lot of waiting. The appt was rescheduled after we waited for quite some time. During this time, a woman and her little girl sat down next to us. I was glued to that little girl. I couldn't quit staring, imagining. She is a twin. She wasn't supposed to survive until birth. She is a few months younger than Noah and Monkey. She like Noah has hydrocephalus and many other issues. All I could see was what could have been if I had been able to keep him alive just awhile longer. She was playing with her Mama and had just learned to crawl. It took all of my power to not say something to her Mom or not to break out in tears. If I could have kept him here, I would have fought like hell to give him a good life. I know that was not in the cards for us, but I still look at her in amazement and wonder what it would have been like.
_________________________________________
Tomorrow is the day. At 8:02 and 8:03, my life changed. At that moment I felt true love for the first time in my life. I knew my purpose. I was to love and mother those beautiful boys. Birthdays are so bittersweet. Monkey and I spending the day just him and I. We will have his beloved "cake cakes" for breakfast, play in the park, and visit his sweet little brother. I know a tear or two will fall, but it is okay as Monkey and I will laugh together as we remember Noah. Noah is in heaven, whole and happy. He is looking down on us and I hope he is smiling and proud of Monkey and I. I hope he knows I carry him in my heart and always will. I can't believe it has been three years.
My phone rang breaking my thoughts of choo choo train cakes and Tonka trucks. I didn't recognize the number, which normally would lead me to silence the ringer and let it go to voice mail. For some reason, I answered. It was the pastor from the church M and I attempted to attend at the end of our crumbling marriage. He wanted to invite us to join a couple's group. I am pretty sure God has a twisted sense of humor. He caught me off guard and I just blurted out that we were divorced. There was a short silence, but he recovered pretty quickly and asked if I was okay. I gave my standard answer of people make bad decisions, which is universal for my husband is a cheating bastard. He understood immediately and even asked about it without flinching. Did I cry? No, I laughed. He must think I am an insane woman. I laughed because if I didn't I was sure I would lose it in the middle of that store and I refuse to let M have that kind of power over me.
I actually enjoyed the conversation. He invited me back to church and to meet with me if I wanted. The idea is somewhat intriguing as I find myself at a crossroads with my faith. I must believe as I know one day I will be reunited with my sweet Noah, but I don't understand why my children and myself must suffer so much. Maybe instead of the sick sense of humor, this was God's way of leading me back? I guess I believe in signs. I just don't seem to stop long enough to see them. When things settle down, it is on my list. Maybe I will find my faith and just a little bit of peace.
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I took Monkey today for what was supposed to be an eye exam with our EI services, but instead turned out to be just a lot of waiting. The appt was rescheduled after we waited for quite some time. During this time, a woman and her little girl sat down next to us. I was glued to that little girl. I couldn't quit staring, imagining. She is a twin. She wasn't supposed to survive until birth. She is a few months younger than Noah and Monkey. She like Noah has hydrocephalus and many other issues. All I could see was what could have been if I had been able to keep him alive just awhile longer. She was playing with her Mama and had just learned to crawl. It took all of my power to not say something to her Mom or not to break out in tears. If I could have kept him here, I would have fought like hell to give him a good life. I know that was not in the cards for us, but I still look at her in amazement and wonder what it would have been like.
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Tomorrow is the day. At 8:02 and 8:03, my life changed. At that moment I felt true love for the first time in my life. I knew my purpose. I was to love and mother those beautiful boys. Birthdays are so bittersweet. Monkey and I spending the day just him and I. We will have his beloved "cake cakes" for breakfast, play in the park, and visit his sweet little brother. I know a tear or two will fall, but it is okay as Monkey and I will laugh together as we remember Noah. Noah is in heaven, whole and happy. He is looking down on us and I hope he is smiling and proud of Monkey and I. I hope he knows I carry him in my heart and always will. I can't believe it has been three years.
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