Drowning

I'm sad, angry, lonely, and scared. Those are just a few of the emotions running through me right now. I am drowning in self pity at this very moment. I used to say after losing Noah that I was stuck on an island all by myself. Now, I truly am. I am full of random thoughts and emotions and I am not sure what to do about any of it.

I miss Noah. He seems very far away. I hate that. I feel as if I am losing my connection to him. There are days that it feels like it was all a dream and he was never really mine. That is until Monkey looks at a picture and says "Bubba". My Mom has a picture in living room of Monkey and my two nieces. The frame has an angel charm on it. Monkey points to the Angel and says "Bubba". This rips my heart out of my chest and makes me feel good all at the same time. I want Monkey to know his brother, I just miss him so much. It seems that no one ever says his name anymore except me. I wish someone would talk about him.

Monkey and Noah's birthday is in two weeks. It has all started. It's like I relive each moment of the final days of my pregnancy and all of Noah' life for the next 3 months. I start questioning all I did and didn't do. The regrets start creeping in. To top it off, my husband and I are not even having Monkey's birthday parties together with our families because he says it would be awkward. This completely crushes me and I am not sure if it because I was hoping he would support me through this or because we are that far away from being ok together. He says we can spend Monkey's actual b-day together, just the three of us so I guess I should just go with it. My Mom is going out of her way to have a good get together for him with my family. It will be fun, but hard at the same time. I am trying to be positive. Monkey deserves a great birthday.

As far as my marriage goes, I don't know. I miss the person I thought was my soul mate. I thought he was my best friend and partner for life. Just a few months before he decided he couldn't be here, we decided to start kind of trying for another baby. How do you go from babies to not wanting your marriage? Needless to say, I was slightly blindsided. I still struggle with how you can either lie or change your mind so quickly about something as huge as that. He says he wants it to work out, but I am not sure I believe him or if I even care. I'm not sure I will ever really trust him again. I don't know how. He ripped apart my world. He took what little security I felt after losing Noah. I am trying because I think Monkey deserves both of us. He just doesn't deserve this situation.

Here is my positive. Monkey is the most amazing little boy. He is so funny and lovable. I look forward to our time each night. I love rocking him to sleep as we sing sweet songs and tell silly stories. He is my life and I will do anything for him. I want only the best for him.

I have to pull it together for Monkey. There is no time for grief, sadness, and anger. I am not allowed to drown in this self pity. Right now, Monkey is my life preserver. I wake up and try to be the best mama I can for him, even though at times I am just so tired of the fight, tired of trying to keep my head above the water.

6 x 6

From the ladies over at Glow in the Woods...


1 Do you feel as though a higher entity/supreme being/energy force has a presence in your life? What do you call it, and what makes you feel it exists?
Yes, though I am not sure what it is. I don't really have a name for it. I could feel it when my boys were together. They knew each other. Still today, Monkey seems to have a connection to his brother. I can't really explain it, but there is definitely something there.

2 Describe, in a word or two, the nature of your spiritual self before and then after the loss of your baby/babies.
Before: Unsure. After: More unsure.

3 Do you pray, even if you wouldn’t call it praying? To whom? What for?
At times, usually in the early hours of the morning while holding Monkey. I pray he lives. I pray that I am strong enough to be his mother and survive losing Noah. I also try to stop and just say thank you. I am thankful for my time with Noah and to have Monkey. I try to be grateful for what I do have.


4 Is there a particular line of scripture/teaching/sentiment that you find particularly helpful? Or is there one that’s commonly referred to but is unhelpful?
I haven't really found one that is helpful. There are many I can't stand. God has a plan, he is in a better place, the usual crap you get when you have a special needs baby that doesn't survive.

5 Did your faith offer rites, rituals or teachings that acknowledged your baby and your healing? If not (or if you didn't seek it out in an organized fashion), what rites, rituals or mantras have you adopted as your own?
We had a memorial service and buried Noah's ashes. This is a decision that I regret now. He was 3 months old, so the memorial service seemed the right thing to do. Out of shock and guilt to his twin, we had his ashes buried. We thought we needed a place for Monkey to visit. I wish there was somewhere beautiful we could have spread his ashes instead. Our church (which we visit very infrequently) provides very little comfort. It seems to only make me angrier right now. I hope this changes and I find my faith.

6 Some people say that in a foxhole (a desperate, life-threatening situation), there are no atheists. You’ve been in a foxhole. Discuss.

I am definitely still in the foxhole. In the year and a half since Noah died, I have struggled with my faith. It ranges to not believing to having to believe. I have to believe in God, because if I don't, there is no heaven. If that is the case, where is Noah? Is he simply gone? I wake up every day and choose to survive because one day, I will hold my son again. I have to believe that.

Pieces of my Heart

It is amazing to me that an almost two year old knows his twin brother. A twin brother he shared 3 months of life (on top of 9 in the womb) with. I made a table for my husband's first father's day out of photos of our boys. Monkey pointed to the picture of Noah today and said "Bubba". He knows. He then leaned over and kissed his picture several times. He said "Bye Bubba". I think my heart just broke into a million pieces. I wish I could give him his best friend back. I can't. I hope as Monkey grows, I can give him a glimpse into how special his little brother is. I want to share his life with Monkey, but to never make Monkey sad. I hope I can suceed at this.

I am blessed with two beautiful boys. I love them dearly.

Could it get worse?

This is how I feel today...I thought it was bad when Noah died and couldn't get worse. I was wrong. Your husband can decided to have a crisis and shit can his life (aka your marriage). He asked me today if I could be more positive. Really?? What should I be positive about? My dead baby? My feelings of abandonment from him leaving? The stress of trying to raise a two year old by yourself with minimal help from him? The empty promise of him wanting to save our marriage?

Today sucks. Today I want to crawl in a hole and stay there for awhile. I think I need a pity party. I want to cry, but crying pisses me off. If I cry, he wins. Instead, I will find a pint of ice cream. That should take the edge off.

I keep telling myself this is the worst, but lets be honest there are a lot of other shitty things that can happen. I think I will go back to my hole...

I felt like this...

Apparently gorillas aren't so different than humans. I know I felt like never letting go of my sweet Noah. This just struck a chord with me.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/europe/08/20/gorilla.baby.dies.ap/index.html

Yuck!!

Monkey is sick! Actually, I officially feel like Monkey has the plague. He is Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease (coxsackievirus??). This is what I get for going back to work and putting him in daycare. Another little boy had it about a month ago. Jack got sick then too (just a fever), but now we got the real thing. Poor baby! He has ulcers in his mouth and throat. He points to them as if to say they hurt. All you can do is give Motrin. Our pediatrician says to rinse his mouth with Benadryl and Maloxx. They also advised not to have him swallow it. How does that work exactly?? He is not even 2!


I tend to freak out and over react every time Monkey is sick. I hope I get a grip on that someday in the future. It's a childhood illness, not the end of the world. Thanks to the places like this I can satisfy my need to research and find out all of the horrible things that can result of common childhood illnesses! Someone take away my Internet!

Anger

I am angry. I am angry for my lost son who never really knew life. I am angry for Monkey for losing is twin at such a young age. I am angry at God for letting this happen and more angry for not restoring my faith. I am angry at myself for not pulling it together. I am angry at my husband for abandoning me. The list goes on and on...

So I am mad. Really that doesn't even begin to really describe it. Pissed off is closer, but still not good enough to truly express the depths of my anger.

We went to our therapist today. We got started and immediately he made me mad. I really forced myself not to show my anger. We talked a lot about communication and the way that the husband and myself cut each other down. We are both scared to talk and accept each other for fear of being by hurt one another. He told us to go out and just have fun. I honestly said that I didn't really know what fun is anymore. Then I was more honest when I said that I feel guilty for having fun. Then I became angry. Angry for anyone questioning my guilt.

I made a connection today. I actually was angry because I was so desperately trying not to cry. My anger is like a damn. It holds the flood of tears that are always there. The anger is the glue holding my life together. Though I think it may be about to drown me in the flood of tears. I hold onto the anger so I don't break down. It is a viscous circle. I feel sad and out of control so I get mad. It stops the tears. The anger just makes it all worse. How do I stop the anger? How do I let the damn break and still function? I don't know how to handle the hurt. Anger is easier than guilt, sadness, and regret.

I hope...

Hope. Can you live without it? In our first visit with our pediatrician after flying Noah home to our local hospital, he looked me in the eyes through my tears and told me, "You can't live without hope". He was giving me permission to fight for my child. The doctors at Mercy had taken all of my hope away. They told me to take him home, to expect nothing, and watch him die. Thank God for that small moment of kindness with our ped. He for the first time in weeks with Noah allowed me to imagine a life with him. Granted it was a different life than I had imagined. It was still life.

The last 6 months I have felt like something was missing. I realized it was hope. I was floating through life like a bystander waiting for something to end this unbearable pain. I now know that nothing will take away the pain of losing Noah, but I have to choose how I let it define me. Sometimes, I look at Monkey and try to imagine him growing up. I know this sounds terrible, but instead of when he grows up, I find myself saying if he grows up. I type it and my heart feels like it is being ripped in two. This is my biggest fear. I will lose Monkey. I have to let go. He is a little boy who is going to skin his knee and get into trouble. I must stop envisioning everything that could go wrong. I will make myself crazy if I don't. I must hope for his future. I must allow myself to dream of his first day of kindergarten, college graduation, and holding his own sweet babies. How do I learn to dream again?

The husband and I went to a new marriage counselor today. It was better than I expected. There may actually be a tinge of hope for our marriage. I am scared to truly dream of our future. It will hurt to badly, when it falls apart. I don't know how much more heartbreak I can take. Secretly, I want to dream of more babies, growing old with my best friend, and watching my children grow into adults. It hurts so badly to imagine never having any of it.

I hope Monkey grows up strong and healthy.

I hope I can rekindle my marriage.

I hope my best friend comes home.

I hope I meet Noah again on the other side.

I hope...

Does love really conquer all?

I wish it were true. If it were I would be able to bring my baby back and repair my marriage. When is it better to part ways? I love my husband, but I am not sure we can ever see each other in the same way. We have had terrible fights, said many hurtful things, and have alienated each other to the point of no return. This is bigger than us and I know we can not fix it by ourselves. We are scheduled to see a new therapist, but I am not sure he will go. I hope he will see that there is value in our life together. I am so very sorry for all that has happened.

I love him.

I love my family.

Happy like a Monkey

If only I could feel this free...

How did my boy get so big?

Thank you for being the greatest kid ever.

You are amazing!

I love you Monkey!