I want Daddy.

Three words that rip my heart out of my chest. There stands my heartbroken little boy in his striped pajamas crying, "I want my Daddy". At first, I feel like a total failure, but then it occurs to me that of course he misses him. This is just the first time he has really been upset by the drop off from M. We try to talk about his day. We sing and giggle, but even with distraction the tears are still there and he still misses his dad. I don't know how to take his pain away. I try so hard to put on the brave face, smile, and tell him it will all be okay. How do I convince Monkey when I have yet to convince myself.

It's not that I haven't known he missed M. We went months in the beginning where he asked and ran to the front window every time he heard a car drive by. That little face would press up against the glass and he would look so disappointed that it was not him. Since then, Monkey simply says "Daddy, bye, bye" and goes on. Tonight was different. He was beside himself crying. Nothing I did was right and it is perfectly okay for him to be upset. Hell, I am an emotional wreck at times. It is allowed.

How do you help a 2 year old process this? I am soon to be 30 and cannot process it. How do I explain this? How do I mend his broken heart when I can't mend my own?

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I will wake up in the morning tomorrow and be 30. That is a slap in the face. Your twenties are supposed to be great and mine have kind of sucked, minus getting my boys. I think I am going to give my 20's the finger and try to see 30 as a do over. If I don't look at it that way it is just depressing.

So, Happy Birthday to me! 30 has got to be better. I am going blow out my candles, eat my cake, drink a beer, and welcome a new year and a new start.

It is Official!

It is mine. It is dirty, dark, and smells kind of funny. It is my blank canvas in which to create my safe haven. I signed on the dotted line (or like ten of them) and I am officially a homeowner. I did it all by myself. Granted signing the papers is the easy part, now I have to work and make the payments. Each month when I write that check, I will know I have survived. I will know that I have succeeded at giving Monkey a loving home.

In a few months and after lots of sweat (probably some tears), this ugly house will be transformed into my home. I tore out the carpets immediately to see what the wood floors held beneath. Besides a few blemishes, they will be beautiful after some tender loving care. They are worn and tired, but with some stain and polish they will shine again.

This house is a new start. I am hoping as I find it's secrets and all it has to offer. Just maybe I will find myself along the way. I know just how she feels. Years of wear and tear can take it out of you and make you look a little rough around the edges. With a little love and attention, a transformation can happen. Wipe away the dust and just maybe the beauty will shine though.

Long weekend

Monkey is with M this weekend. I am getting my first taste of being truly alone without my sweet boy. I know I should cease the moment and do something for me, but I simply feel sick worrying about him. I can't trust M to not have the whore around my son, court order or not. Do I drive over and watch making myself crazy or do I find a way to accept that she will get to play Mommy to my boy? It seriously makes me sick.

I suck at being alone. I always have. When I am alone all of the fears and regret begin creeping in. What if I am alone forever? I miss having that connection that only your soul mate has with you. I miss waking up in some one's arms. What if it never happens again for me?

I actually don't think I am capable of being with anyone. I am so broken and these wounds must heal so much more before I can even consider finding someone else who will probably just break my heart. What if M was my soul mate, but I was not his? Does that happen? Why did he have to hurt me so badly? Wasn't losing Noah enough hurt for this lifetime? I sometimes think I cannot bear this burden, but the quiet moments with Monkey when he kisses my cheek and hold my face in those little hands remind me why I must fight. I want him to know love and happiness. I vow to figure out a way to be happy for him. Whether I am alone or I stumble across that person who loves me for my baggage and all, I must find peace with my life.

I am just lost, lonely, and so very sad. Being here alone gives me time to think of the life I left behind or that left me behind. I was happy. We had our problems, but overall I was happy and I loved M. I am beginning to think he never was. He married me because it was the logical thing to do after college. We had babies because that is what we should do (I wanted them desperately, but I am not so sure about M). Losing Noah was the last thing I guess he wanted to hang around for. I know after that I was depressed and totally wrapped up in my grief. I just stopped trying to make him happy because my efforts were useless. He just avoided me and our life.

Going through this has left me wondering if I deserve to be loved. I have never felt so poorly about myself. I keep thinking a new haircut or new clothes would make me feel better, but it doesn't. This body still carries the scares of my boys and the stress of the last three years. I feel so old and disconnected with the world. I am struggling to let people in because the real me is a fucking wreck right now. I just don't know where I go from here. I don't know how to be happy.

Finally..

I did it. After weeks of looking for it, I found it.

I actually slept last night. I only woke up once and I was able to quiet the nasty thoughts in my head so I could return to sleep. It was wonderful. After 8 full hours of sleep, I am a new person.

It must have been the knowledge that M would soon learn the repercussions of his fucked up life.

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I laughed out loud today. Something I haven't done in quite some time. I actually felt momentarily happy as I heard him say "I can't afford that" on the other end of the phone. His voice was a mix of panic and anger, but it made me smile. Paybacks are fun when well deserved. I simply told him it wasn't really my problem and hung up the phone. I would have paid good money to watch him squirm.

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I got to work this morning to an email saying:

"The best revenge to the woman who stole your husband is to let her keep him."

Very true. I am sure the fantasy she is having is slowly crumbling as she realizes the money tree has lost its leaves. I am sure they will muddle through, but not quite as easily as she had expected.

Sleep

It eludes me. It tempts me into its safety and then runs away. I crave it, take drugs for it, and yet it still doesn't visit.



It has been weeks since I have had a full nights sleep. Either I can't stop the never ending tape of what is happening and I become so angry that I should just explode or I fall asleep to only dream of the reality I live each day. I am considering another visit to the doctor. Maybe there are better drugs. Ones that allow you to sleep, but not dream. Maybe there is something that will bring a happy dream. Is there a pill to swallow that would summon my sweet boy to come and visit? I could really use that right now.



I manage to get up in the morning and function, but my midday my mind is shit. If it wasn't the stress, I would swear I have ADD. I can't concentrate on anything for longer than a few minutes before I am totally distracted in something else. Usually it is my own thoughts on just how shitty this all is. I am trying not to dwell, but sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself and wonder how I ended up here. This place sucks.



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We finally have worked out a parenting plan. At least until tomorrow when my attorney drops the bomb on him of what he will be paying in child support and maintenance. He is going to shit himself. Let's just say a very large portion of each of his paycheck's will be making it's way into my checking account. Let's see how easy it is for him to support super slut and her spawn on the measly amount left over. He as piled up the debt over the last year while we were separated and I can't wait to watch him squirm as he figures out how to pay me, his debt, his slut, and for his own living expenses. Maybe karma has finally come to visit in the form of garnishments. Money seems to be the only thing that hurts him anyway.



Unfortunately, in my state the courts don't really care about the cheating, lying, and immoral behavior. He still gets his visitation. Fuck me. It is now my job for the rest of Monkey's life to undo all of the damage that the son of a bitch will do to him. Apparently the courts do not care unless your child is being beaten and even then it must be questionable. M will still get Monkey over some weekends and during some evenings. I have restricted his time as much as I am able. He has very limited overnight visits as I want my sweet boy tucked into his bed each night where I know he is safe and loved. Once the spawn arrives, I am sure that M won't have much need for Monkey. It is sad to say that, but probably true.



I asked the ass last night why he just doesn't move. Do your kid a favor and save him the embarrassment of you. He actually admitted that he is considering it because his friends just can't seem to forgive his behavior. I wonder why? Maybe because they have more morals? I can only hope and pray that he leaves. It would be a blessing for both Monkey and I.



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Thank you for all of your kind words and profanity laced jabs at the asshole. It is nice to know that I am not walking this pot hole filled road all alone. It sucks right now. I am tired and beaten down, but I have a whole world in front of me. All of this divorce shit should be over soon and I get my house next week. I am really excited to start building a home for Monkey and I.



By the way, Happy Blogoversary to me tomorrow. Sadly, I haven't made it as far as I had hoped in a year. A year ago, I was wrapped up in my grief of losing Noah and trying to make sense of M's departure. Now, I have learned how to make it on my own despite the shit storm that hit this year. This last year can kiss my ass. May the next year be better and full of happy Monkey laughs.

Are you fucking kidding me?

She is pregnant. Conceived while I sat in marriage counseling desparately trying to save my family with that lying bastard. What a fucking joke my life has been so far. I hope the puppet master is laughing his ass off as I give him the finger. Fuck you!

I don't really don't know what to do with this confirmation of my worst suspicions. The worst part is her due date is right around the Turtle and the Monkey's. I am thinking horrible things that I will not write. Karma is a bitch and she better be visiting his sorry ass.

I am so humliated and sad for Monkey. His life has now turned into a Jerry Springer episode. He will be surrounded by this trash and there is nothing I can do to stop it. M will still get his parenting time and that slut will get to play house with my child. Monkey deserves so much better. I am doing my best to give it to him, but I can't stop this.

I am so tired of picking myself up after getting knocked on my ass. He hadn't even filed for divorce and he couldn't keep it in his pants. I am so pissed. Didn't Monkey and I deserve any better than that? He has disgraced both of his children. Monkey will one day figure it out and he has made a mockery of his dead son.

I know I am rambling, but my mind won't slow down long enough to develop a thought or let me sleep. I just keep replaying it in my mind. She is nasty with a history of drug and alcohol abuse, as well as being a rather large slut. Maybe that was the draw for him. I am personally surprised she is still pregnant. It wasn't to long ago that she "took care" of that last baby. But that baby's daddy didn't have any money or a job. I guess she thinks this looks better. He is an idiot. I am guessing he will get fired from his job for fucking his receptionist and then find pathetic excuses as to why he owes me child support.

Right now, I am just angry. Angrier than I have ever been before. I am sure this news will sink in and I will be sad and hurt. A piece of me wonders what I did to deserve all of this, but that gets me nowhere. I am grieving my son, my marriage, my family, and the idea of never becoming a mother again. Right now, I can't see pass tomorrow. I honestly am teetering on the brink of losing my mind. I just need a break. Something to stop the memories, the reality, and deaden the pain for just awhile. This is just so damn hard.

Things that suck...

Waking up to a puke covered Monkey...

Using my only sick day I have earned so far...

My ex-husband...

His slut girlfriend....

Attorney's...

Being alone....

Tears

I don't know if it was simply becoming a mother that made it happen. The minute I knew there was a little one(s) growing inside me it started. One by one the tears began falling. I am not saying that they were tears of sadness. It seems all things make me cry.

Before the boys, I was a true believer that you don't cry in front of others. I am still that way to a point. It is just now that I can't seem to stop them from falling. They creep up on me at work, putting Monkey to bed, looking at an old photo, and mostly in the middle of the night when I think the silence will swallow me whole.

Once the boys arrived, I was a mess of hormones, fear, love, and bewilderment. I cried. I cried a lot, but I was still able to contain it. I could hold it together to talk to the doctors. I put on a brave face and acted as if I would safe my sweet son. Maybe there was no other way to cope.

The tears would come visit daily during Noah's life. Sometimes, they were sad, others angry, but mostly happiness that I had one more day with him. I would look at his sweet face and memorize each detail afraid it would be the last time. I would even grab my camera in fear it would be the last photo of him.

As I sat in that old rocking chair holding Noah as he took his last breaths, the tears ran like a river. I don't remember every saying anything. The tears just slid down my face as I tried not to blink. I didn't want to miss a moment. I knew this was the last time I would memorize his face, hands, body, and feet.

For a long time after Noah died, I can honestly say the tears became my best friend. It was a release of guilt and grief that I didn't know what to do with. I would wait until M went to work and Monkey was asleep and I would scream cry with a fury only a babylost mama would know. I would then pick myself up and pull myself together and become Monkey's mama. I would wipe away the tears and force myself to be grateful for what I had.

When M told me he was leaving, I found myself lost. The tears were hysterical. It was so different than all of the other times before. I think they were tears of knowing that it was over. Knowing that my best friend had turned his back on me. Knowing that I was all alone.

I have survived 10 days as a single, divorced mom. I have cried every single day since my babies were born. The tears now are so full of enough hurt and despair to fill many lifetimes. I find myself fighting the tears as a friend offers support or I hear Monkey say "I love you Mama" in his sweet little voice.

I keep thinking that eventually I must run out of tears. That for one day, they won't run down my face. I am surviving and moving forward but it seems the tears just keep coming.

Ups and Downs

One day I can kick the world's ass and the next it kicks mine.

Mother's Day. I wish I could say that I have ever had a good one. The first was so sad and bittersweet. The next, I was grappling with my departed husband and my faltering marriage. This one I am still digesting the fact that I am no longer married. I am a single Mom. Do you know as a single Mom you actually contemplate getting yourself a card because no one may think of you and your child is too little to actually get you anything or even know what this fucking day is? Mother's Day is just one more reminder of the dreams that will never come true. I hope one day that I sit with Monkey and his handmade card and not feel sadness sweeping over me. I hope I just feel joy and pride for my beautiful son. By the way, Monkey and his beloved PaPa got me a great card and some pretty flowers.

This weekend has been hard. I go from thinking I can do this to a heap on the floor. Unfortunately, I have been more of the latter these last few days. We are still sorting out custody and I am really struggling with handing over my son to him and her. Even if only for a night. It makes me physically sick. We have been fighting all day about this. I just don't have the energy to fight anymore. I just want my baby safe with me.

I am going to try to sleep. It seems to not come these days. I fall asleep and then dream of him leaving me over and over again. I dream of them together happy, while I am drowning in despair. Most nights I awake in the darkness feeling like I will never be happy again. My doctor gave me some Ambien, but I am not a fan of most medications. I hate how they make me feel. If it would erase these torturous dreams I would take it. For now, I will try to only think of my boys and pray sleep come easily.

It is over

Yesterday was a big day. I walked into that court room and watched the world as I knew it officially stop. I didn't cry. I didn't even flinch. I just sat there as the judge said our divorce was granted. He didn't even look at me. It is all over. No more.

I know that there will sad and lonely days ahead, but I am looking forward. I will begin building a life for Monkey and I. I will forget about him and our life. He has made his choice and I am determined to not let him ruin anymore of my life. Today I can take on the world. Tomorrow may be different, but I will deal with that when I need to.

I capped off the day by making a bold move. I bought a house. It is all mine and I get to do with it whatever I want. I can paint the walls hot pink if I want (I won't, but I could) and no one can tell me not to. It is the most frightening and exciting thing I have done in a long while. It is a new beginning. Monkey and I will make it a home. There is lots of work to be done, but I am looking at it as therapy. I will use this new home as a way to find me. I am going to fill it with only things I love and that make me happy.

I survived what I thought was impossible. I can do this on my own. It is in my control to find happiness. The real journey begins now...