Tears

I don't know if it was simply becoming a mother that made it happen. The minute I knew there was a little one(s) growing inside me it started. One by one the tears began falling. I am not saying that they were tears of sadness. It seems all things make me cry.

Before the boys, I was a true believer that you don't cry in front of others. I am still that way to a point. It is just now that I can't seem to stop them from falling. They creep up on me at work, putting Monkey to bed, looking at an old photo, and mostly in the middle of the night when I think the silence will swallow me whole.

Once the boys arrived, I was a mess of hormones, fear, love, and bewilderment. I cried. I cried a lot, but I was still able to contain it. I could hold it together to talk to the doctors. I put on a brave face and acted as if I would safe my sweet son. Maybe there was no other way to cope.

The tears would come visit daily during Noah's life. Sometimes, they were sad, others angry, but mostly happiness that I had one more day with him. I would look at his sweet face and memorize each detail afraid it would be the last time. I would even grab my camera in fear it would be the last photo of him.

As I sat in that old rocking chair holding Noah as he took his last breaths, the tears ran like a river. I don't remember every saying anything. The tears just slid down my face as I tried not to blink. I didn't want to miss a moment. I knew this was the last time I would memorize his face, hands, body, and feet.

For a long time after Noah died, I can honestly say the tears became my best friend. It was a release of guilt and grief that I didn't know what to do with. I would wait until M went to work and Monkey was asleep and I would scream cry with a fury only a babylost mama would know. I would then pick myself up and pull myself together and become Monkey's mama. I would wipe away the tears and force myself to be grateful for what I had.

When M told me he was leaving, I found myself lost. The tears were hysterical. It was so different than all of the other times before. I think they were tears of knowing that it was over. Knowing that my best friend had turned his back on me. Knowing that I was all alone.

I have survived 10 days as a single, divorced mom. I have cried every single day since my babies were born. The tears now are so full of enough hurt and despair to fill many lifetimes. I find myself fighting the tears as a friend offers support or I hear Monkey say "I love you Mama" in his sweet little voice.

I keep thinking that eventually I must run out of tears. That for one day, they won't run down my face. I am surviving and moving forward but it seems the tears just keep coming.