Sleep

It eludes me. It tempts me into its safety and then runs away. I crave it, take drugs for it, and yet it still doesn't visit.



It has been weeks since I have had a full nights sleep. Either I can't stop the never ending tape of what is happening and I become so angry that I should just explode or I fall asleep to only dream of the reality I live each day. I am considering another visit to the doctor. Maybe there are better drugs. Ones that allow you to sleep, but not dream. Maybe there is something that will bring a happy dream. Is there a pill to swallow that would summon my sweet boy to come and visit? I could really use that right now.



I manage to get up in the morning and function, but my midday my mind is shit. If it wasn't the stress, I would swear I have ADD. I can't concentrate on anything for longer than a few minutes before I am totally distracted in something else. Usually it is my own thoughts on just how shitty this all is. I am trying not to dwell, but sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself and wonder how I ended up here. This place sucks.



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We finally have worked out a parenting plan. At least until tomorrow when my attorney drops the bomb on him of what he will be paying in child support and maintenance. He is going to shit himself. Let's just say a very large portion of each of his paycheck's will be making it's way into my checking account. Let's see how easy it is for him to support super slut and her spawn on the measly amount left over. He as piled up the debt over the last year while we were separated and I can't wait to watch him squirm as he figures out how to pay me, his debt, his slut, and for his own living expenses. Maybe karma has finally come to visit in the form of garnishments. Money seems to be the only thing that hurts him anyway.



Unfortunately, in my state the courts don't really care about the cheating, lying, and immoral behavior. He still gets his visitation. Fuck me. It is now my job for the rest of Monkey's life to undo all of the damage that the son of a bitch will do to him. Apparently the courts do not care unless your child is being beaten and even then it must be questionable. M will still get Monkey over some weekends and during some evenings. I have restricted his time as much as I am able. He has very limited overnight visits as I want my sweet boy tucked into his bed each night where I know he is safe and loved. Once the spawn arrives, I am sure that M won't have much need for Monkey. It is sad to say that, but probably true.



I asked the ass last night why he just doesn't move. Do your kid a favor and save him the embarrassment of you. He actually admitted that he is considering it because his friends just can't seem to forgive his behavior. I wonder why? Maybe because they have more morals? I can only hope and pray that he leaves. It would be a blessing for both Monkey and I.



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Thank you for all of your kind words and profanity laced jabs at the asshole. It is nice to know that I am not walking this pot hole filled road all alone. It sucks right now. I am tired and beaten down, but I have a whole world in front of me. All of this divorce shit should be over soon and I get my house next week. I am really excited to start building a home for Monkey and I.



By the way, Happy Blogoversary to me tomorrow. Sadly, I haven't made it as far as I had hoped in a year. A year ago, I was wrapped up in my grief of losing Noah and trying to make sense of M's departure. Now, I have learned how to make it on my own despite the shit storm that hit this year. This last year can kiss my ass. May the next year be better and full of happy Monkey laughs.