Long weekend

Monkey is with M this weekend. I am getting my first taste of being truly alone without my sweet boy. I know I should cease the moment and do something for me, but I simply feel sick worrying about him. I can't trust M to not have the whore around my son, court order or not. Do I drive over and watch making myself crazy or do I find a way to accept that she will get to play Mommy to my boy? It seriously makes me sick.

I suck at being alone. I always have. When I am alone all of the fears and regret begin creeping in. What if I am alone forever? I miss having that connection that only your soul mate has with you. I miss waking up in some one's arms. What if it never happens again for me?

I actually don't think I am capable of being with anyone. I am so broken and these wounds must heal so much more before I can even consider finding someone else who will probably just break my heart. What if M was my soul mate, but I was not his? Does that happen? Why did he have to hurt me so badly? Wasn't losing Noah enough hurt for this lifetime? I sometimes think I cannot bear this burden, but the quiet moments with Monkey when he kisses my cheek and hold my face in those little hands remind me why I must fight. I want him to know love and happiness. I vow to figure out a way to be happy for him. Whether I am alone or I stumble across that person who loves me for my baggage and all, I must find peace with my life.

I am just lost, lonely, and so very sad. Being here alone gives me time to think of the life I left behind or that left me behind. I was happy. We had our problems, but overall I was happy and I loved M. I am beginning to think he never was. He married me because it was the logical thing to do after college. We had babies because that is what we should do (I wanted them desperately, but I am not so sure about M). Losing Noah was the last thing I guess he wanted to hang around for. I know after that I was depressed and totally wrapped up in my grief. I just stopped trying to make him happy because my efforts were useless. He just avoided me and our life.

Going through this has left me wondering if I deserve to be loved. I have never felt so poorly about myself. I keep thinking a new haircut or new clothes would make me feel better, but it doesn't. This body still carries the scares of my boys and the stress of the last three years. I feel so old and disconnected with the world. I am struggling to let people in because the real me is a fucking wreck right now. I just don't know where I go from here. I don't know how to be happy.