Things that suck...

Waking up to a puke covered Monkey...

Using my only sick day I have earned so far...

My ex-husband...

His slut girlfriend....

Attorney's...

Being alone....

Tears

I don't know if it was simply becoming a mother that made it happen. The minute I knew there was a little one(s) growing inside me it started. One by one the tears began falling. I am not saying that they were tears of sadness. It seems all things make me cry.

Before the boys, I was a true believer that you don't cry in front of others. I am still that way to a point. It is just now that I can't seem to stop them from falling. They creep up on me at work, putting Monkey to bed, looking at an old photo, and mostly in the middle of the night when I think the silence will swallow me whole.

Once the boys arrived, I was a mess of hormones, fear, love, and bewilderment. I cried. I cried a lot, but I was still able to contain it. I could hold it together to talk to the doctors. I put on a brave face and acted as if I would safe my sweet son. Maybe there was no other way to cope.

The tears would come visit daily during Noah's life. Sometimes, they were sad, others angry, but mostly happiness that I had one more day with him. I would look at his sweet face and memorize each detail afraid it would be the last time. I would even grab my camera in fear it would be the last photo of him.

As I sat in that old rocking chair holding Noah as he took his last breaths, the tears ran like a river. I don't remember every saying anything. The tears just slid down my face as I tried not to blink. I didn't want to miss a moment. I knew this was the last time I would memorize his face, hands, body, and feet.

For a long time after Noah died, I can honestly say the tears became my best friend. It was a release of guilt and grief that I didn't know what to do with. I would wait until M went to work and Monkey was asleep and I would scream cry with a fury only a babylost mama would know. I would then pick myself up and pull myself together and become Monkey's mama. I would wipe away the tears and force myself to be grateful for what I had.

When M told me he was leaving, I found myself lost. The tears were hysterical. It was so different than all of the other times before. I think they were tears of knowing that it was over. Knowing that my best friend had turned his back on me. Knowing that I was all alone.

I have survived 10 days as a single, divorced mom. I have cried every single day since my babies were born. The tears now are so full of enough hurt and despair to fill many lifetimes. I find myself fighting the tears as a friend offers support or I hear Monkey say "I love you Mama" in his sweet little voice.

I keep thinking that eventually I must run out of tears. That for one day, they won't run down my face. I am surviving and moving forward but it seems the tears just keep coming.

Ups and Downs

One day I can kick the world's ass and the next it kicks mine.

Mother's Day. I wish I could say that I have ever had a good one. The first was so sad and bittersweet. The next, I was grappling with my departed husband and my faltering marriage. This one I am still digesting the fact that I am no longer married. I am a single Mom. Do you know as a single Mom you actually contemplate getting yourself a card because no one may think of you and your child is too little to actually get you anything or even know what this fucking day is? Mother's Day is just one more reminder of the dreams that will never come true. I hope one day that I sit with Monkey and his handmade card and not feel sadness sweeping over me. I hope I just feel joy and pride for my beautiful son. By the way, Monkey and his beloved PaPa got me a great card and some pretty flowers.

This weekend has been hard. I go from thinking I can do this to a heap on the floor. Unfortunately, I have been more of the latter these last few days. We are still sorting out custody and I am really struggling with handing over my son to him and her. Even if only for a night. It makes me physically sick. We have been fighting all day about this. I just don't have the energy to fight anymore. I just want my baby safe with me.

I am going to try to sleep. It seems to not come these days. I fall asleep and then dream of him leaving me over and over again. I dream of them together happy, while I am drowning in despair. Most nights I awake in the darkness feeling like I will never be happy again. My doctor gave me some Ambien, but I am not a fan of most medications. I hate how they make me feel. If it would erase these torturous dreams I would take it. For now, I will try to only think of my boys and pray sleep come easily.

It is over

Yesterday was a big day. I walked into that court room and watched the world as I knew it officially stop. I didn't cry. I didn't even flinch. I just sat there as the judge said our divorce was granted. He didn't even look at me. It is all over. No more.

I know that there will sad and lonely days ahead, but I am looking forward. I will begin building a life for Monkey and I. I will forget about him and our life. He has made his choice and I am determined to not let him ruin anymore of my life. Today I can take on the world. Tomorrow may be different, but I will deal with that when I need to.

I capped off the day by making a bold move. I bought a house. It is all mine and I get to do with it whatever I want. I can paint the walls hot pink if I want (I won't, but I could) and no one can tell me not to. It is the most frightening and exciting thing I have done in a long while. It is a new beginning. Monkey and I will make it a home. There is lots of work to be done, but I am looking at it as therapy. I will use this new home as a way to find me. I am going to fill it with only things I love and that make me happy.

I survived what I thought was impossible. I can do this on my own. It is in my control to find happiness. The real journey begins now...

The edge of the unknown

I sit here tonight and I simply feel lost. I don't really know how I got here and I have no idea where I am going. I look back at my former life when I had all I ever needed. I had a family filled with people who I thought loved me. Now, I am struggling to accept that the person who once told me he was my soul mate is not here. He has found someone else. I sit holding this sweet baby boy and wonder how I do this. How do I give him a full, loving life when it all seems so horrible and empty?

I can't see past tomorrow. If I think about it, I want to simply run away and hide. If I really picture my life alone, I am going to fall apart. I am barely treading water. I am scared, so very sad, and painfully alone. I know I sound pathetic, but I am simply heartbroken. I miss my life. I am very sorry that I couldn't be the person he needed or wanted. I didn't know he needed so much more and was so unhappy with us. I don't understand how he agreed to having children and then bailed when it got hard. I know neither of us were prepared for what the boys would bring us, but I never dreamed it would be the end of us.

I sit here contemplating calling him. I have so many questions, but know that no answer will take away the searing pain that I carry all of the time. I loved him with all of my heart. I know that I was not the perfect wife. I would have laid down and died for him and my boys. I don't know how to let go and move forward. I can't picture living alone forever and can't picture life with anyone else.

I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff. Over the edge is the unknown and I am just too scared to jump in.

You are not given more than you can handle...

I took Monkey back for a recheck today. He is once again getting sick. The cough is back and his sinuses are full. We just finished the antibiotic on Monday. He started getting sick on Sunday. My pediatrician finally looked me in the eye and said he really didn't know what was wrong with him. His test results in regards to his antibody levels weren't alarming. He does think it is something with his immune system. We are missing some piece to this puzzle in making him well.

He is referring us to National Jewish Hospital for diagnostics. Eight hours away. I am not sure how I am going to do this. Things are so unsettled with M and we are less than two weeks from the divorce being final. I cannot and will not sit in a hospital room and look at his pathetic attempts to be a Dad. I am tired, worried, and overwhelmed. I am pretty sure I will not be able to keep my mouth shut. He is a distraction from Monkey and my only care and focus right now is my son. As far as I am concerned, he can go to hell.

It will be a month or so before they can see us so now we just wait and hope he stays relatively healthy until then. They have put him on long term antibiotics to ward off anymore infections. I am scared that they are not going to work and we are going to end up back in the hospital and with a PICC line. That was horrible. I don't want my baby to have to endure anymore. He is already so tired of the breathing treatments and drugs. He doesn't sleep at night and is a terror from all of the steroids. He fights everything I do to make him well. He is simply too little to understand I am trying to make his well.

We left the pediatrician's office today and I just sat in my car and cried. Everyone always told me that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. God must think I am fucking superwoman then. I am tired, scared, and so alone. I keep going because Monkey needs me, but I feel like I am going to snap at any moment. My patience is worn thin and it all seems like an uphill battle. I just didn't know it would all be so hard.

Strength

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."
Author: - Unknown

A good friend sent this to me today. It reduced me to tears because I have been teetering on falling apart these days. I am so grateful for those who love and support Monkey and I. They are my strength.

We are home!!

Four days in a small room is sometimes more than a Monkey can handle. There are only so many ways to entertain a two year old. Many coloring pictures later and 9 viewings of Finding Nemo and we were finally sent home! I have never seen a kid so happy to be home. He has been running around nonstop since stepping foot in the door.

Being good...

Not so good...

Just hanging out with our best friend, Puppy (see the nose) watching Nemo.

Anyone up for ride? We must have taken over 100 laps up and down the hall. Too bad we didn't know about the wagon until yesterday. He loved it!

Overall, Monkey is doing much better. He is requiring a small pharmacy right now, but I get the feeling I should get used to it. After two different breathing treatments, inhaler, antibiotic, steroid nose spray, allergy medicine, and our old standby, Prilosec, he should be feeling better. It takes almost an hour to get him all drugged up to go to bed. No word on the tests regarding his immune system. Probably won't hear anything until next week. I don't really know what to think. I will cross that bridge when I have too. I am just so happy Monkey is home!

Monkey wants to go Home!!

Day 3. I can only hope that tomorrow they will spring Monkey free from this hospital prison. This room is getting very small. Between the two year old with cabin fever and the soon to be ex trying to redeem himself as a father, I can't take much more. Monkey is doing better though. His cough is loosening and we seem to have thwarted off full blown pneumonia. They have retested his immune system so now we wait. We will have a chest x-ray tomorrow and hopefully we will go home just in time for Easter.

Cross your fingers!

Here we are again

Next to me lies the sweetest boy in the world. He is sleeping peacefully, not showing any signs of the awful day that has preceded. Once again, I have had to make him endure more than he should for his age. Our ordeal began Sunday. A hoarse little cry and the bark of a seal. I called or pediatrician first thing Monday morning and we started the steroids that day. The croup is gone, but then the cough became wheezing and now we are back at the hospital. The coughing lasted for hours last night. It didn't matter what I did, nothing stopped it. I probably should have brought him last night to the ER, but I hate that place and am still not quite convinced that children ever leave there. I only associate it with death so we waited til today to see our doctor. That may make me bad, but I was doing for him what they would have. Either way, we are here.

Our pediatrician listened to Monkey's chest for just a few seconds before telling me he was admitting him. Monkey has had another sinus CT, chest x-ray, and what seems like a ton of lab work. He was so brave with only a few well deserved tears. He has a another sinus infection and a viral lung infection (I guess that means we were on our way to pneumonia). He has been started on IV antibiotics and steroids. They are also continuing the many breathing treatments.

I am so frustrated. It has been a year since all of this started and I feel we are no closer to making him better. They drew the blood to recheck his antibodies so maybe that will provide some clue as to why we are always sick. I don't want it to be his immune system, but part of me thinks at least it would be a place to start. At least we might have a plan instead of this. On the other hand, I am very scared about what it means if it is his immune system. I can't lose anything else.

I don't know if I can handle much more. I started my new job, which I like very much so far, but after only a week I am not there, but instead sitting in this depressing hospital. I hope they are going to be nice about all of this. I really need this job. It was my spring board to a new life.

I am also finding that this room shrinks every time M steps into it. I just want him to go away and leave me alone. We don't need his help. I have done this before by myself so he is really of no use. I am tired of his feeble attempts to be a father now that custody is in question. Shouldn't he be off with his new girlfriend? It is all so disgusting.

I am hoping that our stay here is short, but my gut tells me it will at least be a few days.

Say a prayer for my Monkey. I just want him to feel better.