Here we are again

Next to me lies the sweetest boy in the world. He is sleeping peacefully, not showing any signs of the awful day that has preceded. Once again, I have had to make him endure more than he should for his age. Our ordeal began Sunday. A hoarse little cry and the bark of a seal. I called or pediatrician first thing Monday morning and we started the steroids that day. The croup is gone, but then the cough became wheezing and now we are back at the hospital. The coughing lasted for hours last night. It didn't matter what I did, nothing stopped it. I probably should have brought him last night to the ER, but I hate that place and am still not quite convinced that children ever leave there. I only associate it with death so we waited til today to see our doctor. That may make me bad, but I was doing for him what they would have. Either way, we are here.

Our pediatrician listened to Monkey's chest for just a few seconds before telling me he was admitting him. Monkey has had another sinus CT, chest x-ray, and what seems like a ton of lab work. He was so brave with only a few well deserved tears. He has a another sinus infection and a viral lung infection (I guess that means we were on our way to pneumonia). He has been started on IV antibiotics and steroids. They are also continuing the many breathing treatments.

I am so frustrated. It has been a year since all of this started and I feel we are no closer to making him better. They drew the blood to recheck his antibodies so maybe that will provide some clue as to why we are always sick. I don't want it to be his immune system, but part of me thinks at least it would be a place to start. At least we might have a plan instead of this. On the other hand, I am very scared about what it means if it is his immune system. I can't lose anything else.

I don't know if I can handle much more. I started my new job, which I like very much so far, but after only a week I am not there, but instead sitting in this depressing hospital. I hope they are going to be nice about all of this. I really need this job. It was my spring board to a new life.

I am also finding that this room shrinks every time M steps into it. I just want him to go away and leave me alone. We don't need his help. I have done this before by myself so he is really of no use. I am tired of his feeble attempts to be a father now that custody is in question. Shouldn't he be off with his new girlfriend? It is all so disgusting.

I am hoping that our stay here is short, but my gut tells me it will at least be a few days.

Say a prayer for my Monkey. I just want him to feel better.