I took Monkey back for a recheck today. He is once again getting sick. The cough is back and his sinuses are full. We just finished the antibiotic on Monday. He started getting sick on Sunday. My pediatrician finally looked me in the eye and said he really didn't know what was wrong with him. His test results in regards to his antibody levels weren't alarming. He does think it is something with his immune system. We are missing some piece to this puzzle in making him well.
He is referring us to National Jewish Hospital for diagnostics. Eight hours away. I am not sure how I am going to do this. Things are so unsettled with M and we are less than two weeks from the divorce being final. I cannot and will not sit in a hospital room and look at his pathetic attempts to be a Dad. I am tired, worried, and overwhelmed. I am pretty sure I will not be able to keep my mouth shut. He is a distraction from Monkey and my only care and focus right now is my son. As far as I am concerned, he can go to hell.
It will be a month or so before they can see us so now we just wait and hope he stays relatively healthy until then. They have put him on long term antibiotics to ward off anymore infections. I am scared that they are not going to work and we are going to end up back in the hospital and with a PICC line. That was horrible. I don't want my baby to have to endure anymore. He is already so tired of the breathing treatments and drugs. He doesn't sleep at night and is a terror from all of the steroids. He fights everything I do to make him well. He is simply too little to understand I am trying to make his well.
We left the pediatrician's office today and I just sat in my car and cried. Everyone always told me that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. God must think I am fucking superwoman then. I am tired, scared, and so alone. I keep going because Monkey needs me, but I feel like I am going to snap at any moment. My patience is worn thin and it all seems like an uphill battle. I just didn't know it would all be so hard.
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4 comments:
I don't think theres anything that I can say to make you feel better. I really hope that Monkey gets better soon and that you can find some peace.
Like Sophie, I know that I cant say anything that makes this better. I'm praying for you and for Monkey. I know it's hard, but dont give up hope... or faith.
You will find the strength because you have to, my friend. It is so exhausting all that you are going through. I feel sad for Monkey because he is sick all the time but my heart breaks for you because you have to watch your baby go through with all of this and I know what it feels like to be helpless, to not be able to fix things.
Monkey will be okay because you do everything you can for him and you will find the best medical care for him but your heart will take much longer to be okay.
I am thinking of you and Monkey as you make this journey and I hope Monkey stays as well as possible for the next month until you find some answers.
My name is Jen - I stumbled into your blog by following a link from a link from a link :) as you know how blog reading goes. To share with you ... in a two week period last month my dad was given a terminal cancer diagnosis, my beloved grandmother passed away and shock of all shocks, I was also diagnosed with kidney cancer. I am 35 with 4 young sons. I had surgery two weeks ago to remove the cancer, and yesterday my husband was laid off from his job. Its TOO much. And too many times people have said the same to me ,,, and you know, its a LIE a total lie. God doesnt give us this ... http://anickelsworthofcommonsense.blogspot.com/2009/04/what-not-to-say.html I hope my words touch you in some way.
I have nothing much to say to make this time easier, other than to say that your writings touched this mom up in Canada. And I will keep reading. I promise. Hugs to you and your son (I have 4).
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