I sit here tonight and I simply feel lost. I don't really know how I got here and I have no idea where I am going. I look back at my former life when I had all I ever needed. I had a family filled with people who I thought loved me. Now, I am struggling to accept that the person who once told me he was my soul mate is not here. He has found someone else. I sit holding this sweet baby boy and wonder how I do this. How do I give him a full, loving life when it all seems so horrible and empty?
I can't see past tomorrow. If I think about it, I want to simply run away and hide. If I really picture my life alone, I am going to fall apart. I am barely treading water. I am scared, so very sad, and painfully alone. I know I sound pathetic, but I am simply heartbroken. I miss my life. I am very sorry that I couldn't be the person he needed or wanted. I didn't know he needed so much more and was so unhappy with us. I don't understand how he agreed to having children and then bailed when it got hard. I know neither of us were prepared for what the boys would bring us, but I never dreamed it would be the end of us.
I sit here contemplating calling him. I have so many questions, but know that no answer will take away the searing pain that I carry all of the time. I loved him with all of my heart. I know that I was not the perfect wife. I would have laid down and died for him and my boys. I don't know how to let go and move forward. I can't picture living alone forever and can't picture life with anyone else.
I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff. Over the edge is the unknown and I am just too scared to jump in.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Oh hon... I'm sorry. Really sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through with him. I'd say, if you need/want to call him and ask your questions- do it. There are no guarantees that he will have answers. But we are responsible for ourselves. We cant be responsible for someone else's behavior. We cant make them say the right thing. But we can ask our questions and say what we need to say.
You will be enough because you have to be. You will make the best life for Monkey because you must. You will be the mother and the father that he needs if his father cant step up to the plate. You will do this because you are MOM. And there is no superhero greater.
I'm so sorry things are so hard, but you will get through -- it will be hell, but you'll get through. You are stronger than you think you are, and you will give your son what he needs: a loving, safe home.
Please think about talking to a therapist. They can help you step away from the cliff and get over this oh so difficult time.
I am so sorry you are going through this, I wish there were more I could do to help. Hang in there for Monkey.
Post a Comment