"Mama, I hear something."
"What do you hear?"
"It's thunder. Mama, the angels are bowling. Noah is bowling." (My Papa used to tell me that when I was little and afraid.)
"Mama, where is Noah?"
"Monkey, Noah is an angel in heaven."
"Where is he?"
"He is like a star in the sky. He is watching over us and sending us his love."
"I want Noah. I miss him. Mama, get him for me."
"Monkey, I can't get him. He is in heaven. I wish I could, but he is an angel now."
Mama, call Mima. She will help you get him."
_____________________________________
"Mama, the moon is out. Noah lives there. He is watching me."
"He is?"
"Yes Mama, he is watching you too."
"Mama, he loves you."
"I love him too."
"Mama, I miss him. Mama, was I an angel too when I was a baby?"
_____________________________________
I don't really know how to answer his questions. It breaks my heart and brings me closer to my lost son all at the same time. I mourn the boy he will never be and the brother that Monkey will never know. He left a void that can never be filled. I miss him. Monkey misses him.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Safe
I don't know how I feel. It is all so confusing and scary. All I know is that he hugged me and gave me the sweetest kiss on the forehead. I felt safe. I felt worthwhile. That has to count for something right?
Things are moving very, very slowly. It's hard for me to just be me and actually talk about my life. I am trying not to hide the details that make me cringe to think about. He has his own baggage. Two kids, a crazy ex-wife who decided that she gave up her youth when she had their kids. She is my opposite. She is more than willing to forgo a night with her kids for a night of partying and drinking. Listening to him makes me realize she is the female version of M.
I have no idea where this goes, but I am trying to just have some fun. I have been upfront that I don't know what I want. I am still finding me. It may turn out to be nothing, but I have to learn to trust again and it is worth a try. Just maybe I can be happy.
Things are moving very, very slowly. It's hard for me to just be me and actually talk about my life. I am trying not to hide the details that make me cringe to think about. He has his own baggage. Two kids, a crazy ex-wife who decided that she gave up her youth when she had their kids. She is my opposite. She is more than willing to forgo a night with her kids for a night of partying and drinking. Listening to him makes me realize she is the female version of M.
I have no idea where this goes, but I am trying to just have some fun. I have been upfront that I don't know what I want. I am still finding me. It may turn out to be nothing, but I have to learn to trust again and it is worth a try. Just maybe I can be happy.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Happy Valentine's Day
I took a chance.
I still don't know what I want or even what would make me happy. I have no idea where it goes from here, but for a few hours, I laughed, smiled, and let someone be nice to me.
I even let him kiss me goodnight.
I still don't know what I want or even what would make me happy. I have no idea where it goes from here, but for a few hours, I laughed, smiled, and let someone be nice to me.
I even let him kiss me goodnight.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Butterflies
I'm nervous. What is that fluttering feeling?
He stands there looking at me. He doesn't do the head tilt or even seem to flinch knowing my story. He doesn't seem uncomfortable or scared of me like most people in his position. His face is kind and I find myself okay with Monkey meeting him. He just stopped by to say hello.
Butterflies? I forgot what it feels like. Had I not been sick or my sweet Monkey clinging onto my leg, I might have kissed him. I am losing my mind. I don't even know if I like him or if I just want to remember what it feels like.
He is kind, he makes me laugh, and he seems to remember me when the rest of the world has gone silent. He hasn't pushed or even questioned my hesitation to go on a real date. He remembered Noah's day. What am I so scared of? He is also getting divorced under similar circumstances. We both have enough baggage to sink a ship. Why can't I stop analyzing and just have fun for once? I am scared to jump in blindly and this dating thing is quite complicated with a 3 year old in tow. On the other hand, it makes me feel alive and energized in a way I haven't felt in a very long while. I think besides the butterflies, that little feeling just might be hope.
He stands there looking at me. He doesn't do the head tilt or even seem to flinch knowing my story. He doesn't seem uncomfortable or scared of me like most people in his position. His face is kind and I find myself okay with Monkey meeting him. He just stopped by to say hello.
Butterflies? I forgot what it feels like. Had I not been sick or my sweet Monkey clinging onto my leg, I might have kissed him. I am losing my mind. I don't even know if I like him or if I just want to remember what it feels like.
He is kind, he makes me laugh, and he seems to remember me when the rest of the world has gone silent. He hasn't pushed or even questioned my hesitation to go on a real date. He remembered Noah's day. What am I so scared of? He is also getting divorced under similar circumstances. We both have enough baggage to sink a ship. Why can't I stop analyzing and just have fun for once? I am scared to jump in blindly and this dating thing is quite complicated with a 3 year old in tow. On the other hand, it makes me feel alive and energized in a way I haven't felt in a very long while. I think besides the butterflies, that little feeling just might be hope.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Noah
It has been three years and I miss you as much as I did the day you left us. I know you are whole and healthy dancing in heaven. Monkey and I know you are watching out for us and sending us your love. We hope you know how much we love you.
Monkey told me today that you are an angel now and that you blew away. I think he meant that you flew away, but he understands you are in heaven. He loves you and I know he can feel you in his heart. Please continue to bless him and protect your sweet, big brother.
I pray for sweet dreams of you tonight.
I miss you my sweet Noah.
Monkey told me today that you are an angel now and that you blew away. I think he meant that you flew away, but he understands you are in heaven. He loves you and I know he can feel you in his heart. Please continue to bless him and protect your sweet, big brother.
I pray for sweet dreams of you tonight.
I miss you my sweet Noah.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Today
Right now I would have been sitting in the ER trying to explain to an incompetent nurse that he always desats when you move him. Why could she not understand what I needed? I just needed her to get us a room, a doctor, and some antibiotics. I was sure that would fix the problem. Never mind the central apnea and CPR. I can live with that...just keep my baby alive. I would do my part if they would just get him what I needed.
They moved in slow motion. No one had the sense of urgency that I did. His sats dropped to zero two or three times while we were in the ER. I don't remember anyone rushing to resuscitate him. I did it. I would rub his feet, blow in his face, and gently shake him to get him to take another breath. With each breath I would say a silent prayer and ready myself for the next episode. This process had started over a week earlier and had just continued to get worse. Even with that I couldn't see it. There was no way I would leave without him....
Today has been hard. I just can't concentrate on anything. I survived work, but it was a long day. Noah sent me a few blessings today. It started with an unsolicited hug from my best friend as we dropped our kids at daycare. All she said is that I needed it and she loved me. The damn broke and the tears fell all the way to work. She remembered.
My next gift came from a coworker I don't know well today, she mentioned her son had special needs. I told her I kind of understood and began telling her about Noah. She hugged me and told me she didn't know how I did it. I answered by telling her it is no different than what she does everyday. You do the best you can for all of your children. By her eyes, I knew she got it without me having to say much. She belongs to the "I didn't sign up for this club". Even with a living child, we both understand NICU's, brain MRI's, horrible neuro's, and the fear of whether your child will live. To have someone sit in front of me and understand was a gift. Thank you Noah.
My last gift was somewhat unexpected. There is a guy I work with who has shown interest, but I am just not ready to go there. He is nice enough, but I always got the feeling that the whole Noah topic freaked him out. He sent me an email today telling me to have a good day tomorrow even though he knew it would be rough. He remembered. I mentioned it once weeks ago. Maybe he isn't such a bad guy. Is Noah trying to get me to open myself up to the idea of letting someone new into my life? I know they are small things, but I am trying to not overlook Noah's gifts. I have learned that they are small and subtle. Gifts or not, I needed each of those moments today. They made me stronger and validated that Noah mattered.
I am going to spend the rest of this evening hugging Monkey as he goes to sleep and then sharing a bottle of wine with a few good friends. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers. They have given me strength and reassurance that Noah is remembered. I am blessed with two beautiful boys, good friends to help me through, and this sacred place to share and be understood. Thank you.
They moved in slow motion. No one had the sense of urgency that I did. His sats dropped to zero two or three times while we were in the ER. I don't remember anyone rushing to resuscitate him. I did it. I would rub his feet, blow in his face, and gently shake him to get him to take another breath. With each breath I would say a silent prayer and ready myself for the next episode. This process had started over a week earlier and had just continued to get worse. Even with that I couldn't see it. There was no way I would leave without him....
Today has been hard. I just can't concentrate on anything. I survived work, but it was a long day. Noah sent me a few blessings today. It started with an unsolicited hug from my best friend as we dropped our kids at daycare. All she said is that I needed it and she loved me. The damn broke and the tears fell all the way to work. She remembered.
My next gift came from a coworker I don't know well today, she mentioned her son had special needs. I told her I kind of understood and began telling her about Noah. She hugged me and told me she didn't know how I did it. I answered by telling her it is no different than what she does everyday. You do the best you can for all of your children. By her eyes, I knew she got it without me having to say much. She belongs to the "I didn't sign up for this club". Even with a living child, we both understand NICU's, brain MRI's, horrible neuro's, and the fear of whether your child will live. To have someone sit in front of me and understand was a gift. Thank you Noah.
My last gift was somewhat unexpected. There is a guy I work with who has shown interest, but I am just not ready to go there. He is nice enough, but I always got the feeling that the whole Noah topic freaked him out. He sent me an email today telling me to have a good day tomorrow even though he knew it would be rough. He remembered. I mentioned it once weeks ago. Maybe he isn't such a bad guy. Is Noah trying to get me to open myself up to the idea of letting someone new into my life? I know they are small things, but I am trying to not overlook Noah's gifts. I have learned that they are small and subtle. Gifts or not, I needed each of those moments today. They made me stronger and validated that Noah mattered.
I am going to spend the rest of this evening hugging Monkey as he goes to sleep and then sharing a bottle of wine with a few good friends. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers. They have given me strength and reassurance that Noah is remembered. I am blessed with two beautiful boys, good friends to help me through, and this sacred place to share and be understood. Thank you.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Two Days
Today I dressed him in a special t-shirt to surprise his dear Aunt upon her arrival to see him. He had a cold, but didn't seem much worse than the day before. The boys played in the jungle gym and we all just visited and held them. Why didn't I know that I only had one day left? I can't remember anything else from that day. Why can't I remember?
I don't know what to do with myself. I dug out the last outfit he ever wore last night. I so desperately wanted it to smell of him. I fell asleep holding that outfit. I slept with it for months after he died. I just needed to feel him.
I just want to lay in the floor and cry. I miss him so much. I go from feeling so sad and empty to just sick. It is so much harder this year. What if I am the only one who remembers him this year? Maybe I am just scared that no one will even notice or say anything to me. A piece of my heart is missing and lies with my dear sweet boy. Can't the world see the hole? Can't they see how broken I am? I am just so alone in all of this.
I am working tomorrow, but I am not sure how to get through the day. Tomorrow is the last day I ever spent with my boy. Noah died on the 17th, but at 3:22 AM. The 16th was the last time I saw his eyes open and felt him relax into me as I held him. Why doesn't the world stop? Mine stopped and damn it, everyone else just keeps moving. I don't want to smile and pretend my world is okay. I want to cry, scream, and just curl up in a ball for just awhile.
Monkey and I are taking the day on Thursday. I don't know really know what we are going to do. I just know I need to hold on to him. Maybe through him, I can feel Noah and maybe Noah can feel me.
Three years. How am I still here? I love him and miss him...
I don't know what to do with myself. I dug out the last outfit he ever wore last night. I so desperately wanted it to smell of him. I fell asleep holding that outfit. I slept with it for months after he died. I just needed to feel him.
I just want to lay in the floor and cry. I miss him so much. I go from feeling so sad and empty to just sick. It is so much harder this year. What if I am the only one who remembers him this year? Maybe I am just scared that no one will even notice or say anything to me. A piece of my heart is missing and lies with my dear sweet boy. Can't the world see the hole? Can't they see how broken I am? I am just so alone in all of this.
I am working tomorrow, but I am not sure how to get through the day. Tomorrow is the last day I ever spent with my boy. Noah died on the 17th, but at 3:22 AM. The 16th was the last time I saw his eyes open and felt him relax into me as I held him. Why doesn't the world stop? Mine stopped and damn it, everyone else just keeps moving. I don't want to smile and pretend my world is okay. I want to cry, scream, and just curl up in a ball for just awhile.
Monkey and I are taking the day on Thursday. I don't know really know what we are going to do. I just know I need to hold on to him. Maybe through him, I can feel Noah and maybe Noah can feel me.
Three years. How am I still here? I love him and miss him...
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Things have been crazy around here. It seems there is something going on everyday and it seems Christmas will be before I have even begun to be ready. That could be good or bad depending on how you look at it. Monkey is loving the tree and twinkling lights. It is so fun to watch him delight in the magic the holiday holds when you are little. I am trying to learn to love this once beloved holiday. I am trying to embrace my grief, the approaching anniversary, and the awe on Monkey's face. He deserves the same magical experience I remember as a child.
Noah's day is fast approaching. Once again, nothing seems worthy to mark the day it all changed. The day I lost part of myself and my beloved son. What I am supposed to do? I took the day off work, but then what? I figured Monkey and I could stay home, drink hot chocolate, and snuggle on the couch, but how do I remember Noah? He is always on my mind, always in my heart, but I feel that I should be doing something larger. I just don't know what. It is strange this year. I have the moments of intense sadness, but mostly I just feel empty. It all seems like a dream. Almost like he never existed except I have the photos and scars to prove he was here. I miss him. How do I let him know how much I love him? How do I make peace with his loss?
Noah's day is fast approaching. Once again, nothing seems worthy to mark the day it all changed. The day I lost part of myself and my beloved son. What I am supposed to do? I took the day off work, but then what? I figured Monkey and I could stay home, drink hot chocolate, and snuggle on the couch, but how do I remember Noah? He is always on my mind, always in my heart, but I feel that I should be doing something larger. I just don't know what. It is strange this year. I have the moments of intense sadness, but mostly I just feel empty. It all seems like a dream. Almost like he never existed except I have the photos and scars to prove he was here. I miss him. How do I let him know how much I love him? How do I make peace with his loss?
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Moving on...
Days like this I wonder if this fight is worth fighting. In my gut, I know that I am trying to do the right thing. I know my direction gets skewed from time to time by hurt and anger. I have been betrayed by the person who now tells me to "trust" him when it comes to my only living child. I do try to shake that off and keep trudging on.
It doesn't help when Monkey talks about him constantly. He typically just keeps asking when his Dad is getting him. I know he misses him and I realize that by not seeing him all of the time, he is all the more appealing. At times, I feel like I am letting Monkey down. I know I am distracted and sometimes inpatient. Let's be honest that is sometimes just life with a three year old, but I feel guilty for the brief moments I stop and think about my lost marriage or when something reminds me of a time in life when I was free and happy. There are many times each day that a conversation or a picture takes me back when I am least expecting it. It sucker punches me and it takes me a few minutes to refocus on "this" life. I wonder if Monkey would be happier with M. He is happy and living his new life with no regrets. Monkey got me, who loves him more than life, but he also got the me who gets sucked into my grief from time to time. He gets me who doesn't seem to know how to feel happy. I just want so much for him and I am really struggling to find my place in this world of single mothers. Great, another fucking club I didn't ask to join. So where do I find my place in the dead baby, single mom because my husband decided to screw a whore club? Sorry, I know not a good attitude. I just can't help it sometimes.
I wake up each day and tell myself to start over. Smile, hug Monkey, and hope something good happens. By the end of the day, I am tired and beaten down. Moving on is so fucking hard. I don't love him anymore, but I guess I do love the person I married. I am finding it difficult to get over the betrayal. I think I would like to meet someone, but I honestly don't know how to let anyone into my world. I can't take anymore heartache and loss. Anyways, I would scare the shit out of some poor guy. Taking that step to actually go on a date or even consider it is terrifying. The rejection will kill me. I'm also afraid of settling for the first good thing (not that my options are huge) just because I am so fucking tired of being alone.
I miss just having someone there. Someone to talk to or just sit next to and watch TV. I miss the security of knowing someone will be there when I get home from work. I hate to admit it, but I kind of miss being at my parents. It was nice to have someone to talk to. The silence feels like it is going to swallow me here. There at least I wasn't alone.
It is all just overwhelming at times. I forgot to go get Monkey's medicine from the pharmacy. It just about put me in tears. I have no help and I just can't seem to remember it all. I know he is fine and I can get it tomorrow, but I am failing at being supermom. I feel like I am trying to overcompensate for all of the shortcomings I can't seem to control. I just want to be a good Mom. I want to be happy and feel joy. I want to feel something besides empty.
It doesn't help when Monkey talks about him constantly. He typically just keeps asking when his Dad is getting him. I know he misses him and I realize that by not seeing him all of the time, he is all the more appealing. At times, I feel like I am letting Monkey down. I know I am distracted and sometimes inpatient. Let's be honest that is sometimes just life with a three year old, but I feel guilty for the brief moments I stop and think about my lost marriage or when something reminds me of a time in life when I was free and happy. There are many times each day that a conversation or a picture takes me back when I am least expecting it. It sucker punches me and it takes me a few minutes to refocus on "this" life. I wonder if Monkey would be happier with M. He is happy and living his new life with no regrets. Monkey got me, who loves him more than life, but he also got the me who gets sucked into my grief from time to time. He gets me who doesn't seem to know how to feel happy. I just want so much for him and I am really struggling to find my place in this world of single mothers. Great, another fucking club I didn't ask to join. So where do I find my place in the dead baby, single mom because my husband decided to screw a whore club? Sorry, I know not a good attitude. I just can't help it sometimes.
I wake up each day and tell myself to start over. Smile, hug Monkey, and hope something good happens. By the end of the day, I am tired and beaten down. Moving on is so fucking hard. I don't love him anymore, but I guess I do love the person I married. I am finding it difficult to get over the betrayal. I think I would like to meet someone, but I honestly don't know how to let anyone into my world. I can't take anymore heartache and loss. Anyways, I would scare the shit out of some poor guy. Taking that step to actually go on a date or even consider it is terrifying. The rejection will kill me. I'm also afraid of settling for the first good thing (not that my options are huge) just because I am so fucking tired of being alone.
I miss just having someone there. Someone to talk to or just sit next to and watch TV. I miss the security of knowing someone will be there when I get home from work. I hate to admit it, but I kind of miss being at my parents. It was nice to have someone to talk to. The silence feels like it is going to swallow me here. There at least I wasn't alone.
It is all just overwhelming at times. I forgot to go get Monkey's medicine from the pharmacy. It just about put me in tears. I have no help and I just can't seem to remember it all. I know he is fine and I can get it tomorrow, but I am failing at being supermom. I feel like I am trying to overcompensate for all of the shortcomings I can't seem to control. I just want to be a good Mom. I want to be happy and feel joy. I want to feel something besides empty.
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