Dreams

Sleep with peaceful dreams...I can't remember the last time I slept well.

I woke this morning dreaming of the last few months of my marriage. I almost can't remember anything good anymore. I wish I could calm the thoughts in my head.

I don't miss him. I despise him. The person he is now is not the person he once was. I don't know him anymore. Yet, after all this time, I can't shake the betrayal and the feeling that 10 years of my life was a lie. How could anyone have ever loved someone and then hurt them so badly? I am not wired that way and still cannot understand it.

Sometimes I think, his pain must have been immense, but then I think about what he did. I think of the terrible things he said to me. Did smashing me to pieces make him feel better? Did destroying every part of our life lift his sadness or did it just give him a distraction? If you looked at him now, he appears to have made it through with no scars. How was it so easy to just reinvent his life with someone else? How did he just walk away from the miracle of our living, breathing baby boy?

I am at a crossroads...I want to just forget and move on. In many ways, I have, but the reminder is always there. The pain is there each time he returns Monkey from his visit and each time I think of her being there with them. How do you let your son be in the presence of someone who was so willing to destroy his family? It is killing me, yet I know there is nothing I can do about it. I have really tried to just go with it and not think about it. I stay busy when Monkey is gone, but eventually I have got to just be alone. I really suck at alone. My thoughts take over and the grief of losing Noah, my marriage, and my family comes back. I will myself to work on something just for me, but I will admit it, I am lonely when Monkey is gone and sometimes I am still lonely when he is here. I miss having someone to have a real conversation with. I miss adult company. I think losing that companionship of your best friend has been the hardest thing to overcome. Nothing quite replaces it.

My best girl friends tried to sign me up for online dating. That seriously may be the most terrifying idea ever. I am not sure how to date or how to be with another man. I am so self conscious of every aspect of myself. I need to lose some weight. I have a serious baby pooch. Will someone else see how ugly that is and be totally grossed out by the stretch marks and loose skin brought on my two 7 lb babies? Will they see how damaged I am by loss or could they maybe see that under my false smile is tenacity and strength? Can they understand what it is to just survive and prepare for the next battle because the rug keeps getting pulled out from under you? I do want to meet someone, but it is so uncomfortable and honestly, I don't think anyone would want or understand this life of mine. I am letting my losses define me and my self worth. Right now, my confidence is still not what I would like. I need to find my voice and worth in the real world before I try to open myself to someone else.

I keep hoping that by working on me, I will feel that I am worthy and that someone would love me. The thing about cheating is that everyone will tell you that it isn't about you, but it is impossible not to compare and wonder why wasn't I good enough? I can't seem to excise his voice from head. I have realized that I don't try new things because he would have made fun of me and I still find myself stuffing those ideas down, hearing his voice in my head. Some days, I tell that voice to fuck off and try whatever it is that I want to. Others, I stuff it down and just go home.

Everyone says I need to let go. Can I ask a stupid question? How the hell do I do it? I have tried and really it's not working.

I am toying with the idea of going back to school and moving. It is a pipe dream and quite frankly moving away is scary as hell. Here is all I know. There is this little part of me who knows that I could really do something that matters. I have learned so much and I know I am not living up to my potential right now. I am collecting a check and there is security in that, but no satisfaction. It takes confidence to make a bold move like that. I am not 20 in more. Is 32 too old to start over and become a student again? I also see moving as an escape from a small town where everyone knows and you know there is always a chance of running into them. If I leave, I escape the hold that has on me. I actually scan parking lots when I go the store, etc to make sure they are not there. I avoid old friends in stores because I can't stand the look. I also want the freedom from every one's judgement. I lost touch with most of my friends back in college and the last few years have driven all but the most loyal away. I imagine I look like a huge failure in their eyes. That sucks. I just want to hold my head high and be okay with what is. Why do I care what they think? Maybe I am just jealous. They stand there with their perfect families and I am so far from perfect.

Moving or not, I need to make a change, but I just don't know what. I have started small and at times even that is exhausting. I joined a church, not so much that I am religious, but more that the people there made me feel better and Monkey loves it. It is going to be our thing. A couple of friends and I joined an exercise class this summer. I feel better going, but I still need to do more. I need something more drastic, but fear keeps holding me back. What I really want is something that fires me up. I want to feel passionate about something. I want to be able to sleep at night because I know I have done my best and I am giving Monkey all I can.

Could someone just tell me what to do?