Two Days

Today I dressed him in a special t-shirt to surprise his dear Aunt upon her arrival to see him. He had a cold, but didn't seem much worse than the day before. The boys played in the jungle gym and we all just visited and held them. Why didn't I know that I only had one day left? I can't remember anything else from that day. Why can't I remember?

I don't know what to do with myself. I dug out the last outfit he ever wore last night. I so desperately wanted it to smell of him. I fell asleep holding that outfit. I slept with it for months after he died. I just needed to feel him.

I just want to lay in the floor and cry. I miss him so much. I go from feeling so sad and empty to just sick. It is so much harder this year. What if I am the only one who remembers him this year? Maybe I am just scared that no one will even notice or say anything to me. A piece of my heart is missing and lies with my dear sweet boy. Can't the world see the hole? Can't they see how broken I am? I am just so alone in all of this.

I am working tomorrow, but I am not sure how to get through the day. Tomorrow is the last day I ever spent with my boy. Noah died on the 17th, but at 3:22 AM. The 16th was the last time I saw his eyes open and felt him relax into me as I held him. Why doesn't the world stop? Mine stopped and damn it, everyone else just keeps moving. I don't want to smile and pretend my world is okay. I want to cry, scream, and just curl up in a ball for just awhile.

Monkey and I are taking the day on Thursday. I don't know really know what we are going to do. I just know I need to hold on to him. Maybe through him, I can feel Noah and maybe Noah can feel me.

Three years. How am I still here? I love him and miss him...