Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day, saying…"I will try again tomorrow." ~Mary Anne Radmacher

Can it just be the tiny voice left inside of me, telling me to get out of bed? Is it the same little voice who fights through the tears and hopelessness to get dressed, get Monkey ready, and make it to work?

It has been a long few days. I can't say that anything has happened to make them so bad. I think it is just part of the process. I think it is the dread of what is to come. It seems I would be an expert in this thing called grief. I should know to expect the good days mixed in with the bad. I forgot how bad the bad ones are.

There has been a shift. I can fall asleep now, but now I wake up about 5:30 am from the most horrible dreams of being told I am not wanted and unloved. I begin thinking about my old life and how safe it felt to wake up with my best friend beside me. Now I wake up with the tape running in my head of how shitty this all is. I remember that I have to face another day alone and that it is one more day stuck in this nightmare that is my life.

I am sorry for ranting about this. I am even tired of my own thoughts and of being so sad. I don't even want to hear this story anymore. I feel like that person who refuses to move on. I am trying, but I am failing miserably. I tell myself each day that I am going through these motions in order to build my new life. It just seems to be happening so slowly.

I left for lunch today having avoided tears at lease a handful of times. Once I got in my car, the dam broke and I couldn't stop it. I haven't cried like that in a long time. I cried for my loneliness, my heartbreak, and my lost son. I want to be happy, but it just feels so out of reach. I actually wonder if I remember what it feels like to be happy.

I am praying that the quiet voice can become a roar and I will find my footing. I hope to find some inner peace that will guide my actions and help me make the right choices. So much is riding on how I make my way out of this. When I think of courage, I think of the strong, stoic hero. I am just asking for the courage to handle this with grace and be a person that my sons will be proud of. I don't need to be a hero. I just need to survive these moments when all seems lost. My courage may have failed me today, but I will try again tomorrow...