Hiding

I can't sleep.

My brain won't stop. I just replay all that has happened over and over again. How do I shut it off and just accept that this is my life now? How do I let go of the anger that is eating me from the inside out? How do I feel whole and when I am so lonely and broken?

I hate the holidays. They are just a reminder of my dead son and broken family. I feel like an ungrateful bitch. I know people have it worse. I have a good extended family, a few loyal, wonderful friends, and two beautiful sons. Can't that be enough? Instead I just feel like I am missing something. I can't feel the void no matter how hard I try.

The truth is that I am ashamed. I want and need help, but I don't know how to ask for it. When I was in college I totally freaked out and started having panic attacks. I was overwhelmed and didn't know how to handle it all. I look back and almost find it funny that me trying to be perfect and good enough kind of started all of this. I couldn't explain to my 18 year old friends why I didn't love college like they did. I turned into a recluse of sorts. I was so ashamed and felt so abandoned that I really never tried to put myself back out there in the ranks of them. M stood by me and I felt it was okay if I had him. Over the years I made a few close friends that I really let get to know me, but I still felt that I didn't need a lot of people as long as I had my family. It's funny that M stood by me then, but he always made me feel not good enough. He always held the anxiety issues over my head. In hind sight, he was a jerk. I fought through all those issues to finish school and do what I needed to do. I know I am a control freak and perfectionist, but that is who I am.

After the boys were born, I couldn't stand the look people gave when they heard about Noah. I perfected saying all was ok. I would smile and make small talk. After he died, I just didn't want to talk to anyone. It was too hard and dam it, what the hell did they know? They all had their perfect families. When M left, I didn't tell anyone, but my Mom for months. I was so ashamed of what my perfect dream had become. I still am. I wanted forever with my perfect house and perfect kids. Now I don't even know what perfect is. Why am I so ashamed? I didn't abandon my family and do the horrible things that M did. I sometimes think if we just moved far enough away, I could escape it all. All he taught me is that everyone leaves and I should trust no one. That is a shitty way to live.

I guess if you are told how terrible you are long enough you begin to believe it. I must have been a terrible wife to deserve all he has done. I have build a wall around me and I don't let anyone in. The one person, who was nice to me and tried to have a relationship with me, I pushed away. What if he was just a liar who would turn on me? M made me insecure about every aspect of my life. I hate him for having so much power over me. I don't want to be alone forever but I don't know how to open myself up to dating. If I can't stand me, how will someone else ever love me? Sometimes I think of asking him out. Maybe dinner or something simple, but I think he got tired of trying and I am too afraid of making a mistake or being rejected. I don't blame him cause he tried harder than I ever would have. I just can't see what my life could become if I opened myself up.

I have been trying to lower my expectations. This single parenting thing is overwhelming. I am so afraid of failing. There is never enough time, energy, or money to get anything done. There are some days that I just want to crawl under the covers and cry. I need to fall apart so I can move on. I am afraid that if I really let go that I won't be able to get back up and keep trudging on. It's like I am swimming through thick mud. I never get ahead yet I just keep going. I am exhausted and feel like I am failing no matter what I do. I have these ideas of taking a class or just getting out with the girls, but it means being away from Monkey even more than I am now and spending precious money that I should be saving for him. That just leads to the guilt that swallows me most days. I just don't know how to do it all by myself. I want more than this. I want to feel free and happy. I want to look forward to a new day, not just figure out how to survive it.

I am sorry for the pity party. I know it is pathetic and I should buck up and deal. I am just so freaking tired of having to hide how I feel or how alone I am. I want to feel good about me for just once. I want to be proud of the life I have now, not the joke of one I had before or the one I am too afraid to dream about in the future. I just want to feel loved and okay with who I am regardless of how it all ends up. I get one life. I am tired of wasting this one being afraid and so alone. I know I just need to take one step in a different direction to change things I just don't know which way to go...