Here I Am

I quit writing so I could quit thinking. I so desperately want to piece my life back together into something meaningful. I left this babylost world to see if I could function in the real world. I thought if I stayed away, I would somehow not dwell on my own losses so much. What I found is that the losses are always there and it is just that much lonelier when no one understands.

Life as a single mom is exhausting. I applaud anyone who does this with multiple children. I know I would figure it out if I had to, but really this is hard. The days all blur together because they are the same. There are not enough hours to be at work, doctor's appt's, and school drop offs all at the same time. I never realized how much work a house is until it was all mine. I love my house, but what was I thinking? It is never clean enough and my living room is beginning to resemble a toys 'r us. I don't have time to write because by the time Monkey is asleep, I am too tired to stay awake.

I need a change. I need to lose this need for perfection or some version of it. I want to embrace that I am lost and just be okay with it. I still miss my son beyond words and cannot make sense of how someone I loved so much threw me away. My heart is broken and it starts to heal over just long enough for someone to peel the scab off again. Some days I can kick the world's ass and others it has kicked mine.

How long will it take to feel whole again or is that impossible given the hand I was dealt? I just feel empty. I began seeing a new therapist and it kind of helps, but there are no real ways to right the things in my life. I am working on a new me, but really I am too tired to devote much time and energy to it. Worst of all, I am so humiliated by how my life has turned out. I know I didn't do this, but I can't relate to happily, married of parents of healthy, alive children. Fuck them. I can't breathe when I look at their perfect families.

Monkey started preschool two weeks ago. I was so happy for him, but it was gut wrenching to realize two little boys should have been starting school. It is all so bittersweet and grabs the grief I have been so carefully shoving down and brings it all to the surface. I dropped him off, gave him one last hug, and sat in my car and cried. I am supposed to make a poster about Monkey. It ask for pictures of his family. How exactly do I do that? I tried to be a bigger person and asked M for a picture of him and Monkey. I found one of Monkey and I to include also. What about Noah? It feels like a test of my love for him. Do I put a picture of Monkey's little brother so he can explain that he lives on the moon with God? Seems a little heavy for a bunch of 3 and 4 year olds.

I just want to be happy and feel joy. I have small moments, but they are fleeting. Monkey is such an amazing little boy that I can't even express how much I love him. He brings me joy, but it is always tinged with a little sadness. I have been thinking of what I should do to change our lives. Dating? I work and take care of Monkey. When and where would I meet someone? I don't actually know if that would make me happy. Maybe just not so lonely. I am not sure I could trust or even be open to a relationship. I haven't done a great job with that so far. I think I blew what could have been an okay thing, but just being scared. I am ashamed of most of my life so that makes it hard to open up and share. I know I need to focus on the positive and work from there, but that is easier said than done. I have some great friends that have stood by me through it all, but I have lost touch with most of the people I grew up with. It is so hard to look at the them the same and M seems to have won the game of choosing sides with our mutual friends. I am grateful for my friends and family that are here, but I need to expand my circle. It is so hard for me to do that. Small talk is impossible for me and I don't have time for gossip and games.

I know I have a long way to go, but I also know I have come along way. It is so easy to get sucked into it all. 16 days. I can feel it coming and yet I am so unprepared for how I will mark my boys' special day. I want to celebrate Monkey and show him what a miracle he is, but I struggle to find the balance in remembering Noah. I am always torn and maybe it will always be that way.

I am sorry I have been away so long.